Down to the Wire

Someone tell me that someday I will wake up and our future will not be one big question mark. Someone tell me that we won't have to hold our breath every time we apply for a desired position in school/residency/work/grant, hoping that someone will give us a chance.  Someone tell me that it's going to work out - that someone will see Will's potential and stop assuming that he can't or that you don't really ever fully recover from such a serious brain injury (unless it's 12-18months after the stroke). Sometimes it just seems so unfair. And by unfair I mean- sometimes I feel like all the effort and time to get Will somewhere he is happy-- somewhere he has already worked for more than eight years to get to (becoming a doctor)-- is just a waste. I get so frustrated sometimes.

Today's frustration is centered around physicians assistant school/grants.  It's not that we are there yet-- but we are a few days away from some critical deadlines, and things seems to be going wrong. The good news is that Will passed his summer courses. The bad news is that Will's teacher messed up a grade on his final and has to revise it before it goes on the transcript to be sent to CASPA (PA application center) and then mailed to the school of our choice.  This all has to happen in two weeks-- the deadline is Sept. 1st for our school of choice-- (U of U).  We get one shot at this and than we wait another year for another chance.  I don't know how much longer we can hold out…with looming medical school debt, a mortgage, a little person to care for and so on… we're down to the wire.  We need things to work out this year!

Reading through this post I can see that I'm experiencing woman brain-- clumping all my issues together and than expecting one solution or fix -- and of course that fix is someone else. Someone else has to give us a chance, we deserve better...  I know that this is not how things work. Will's recovery comes one solution at a time and no teacher or job or college or residency program can just fix it all. And even though it is frustrating waiting and hoping and holding our breath… I know that someday we will wake up and our life will not just be one big question mark-- I know we can do this and you can too…Whatever your question mark is-- you can too…

Summer Fun

Right now I'm gearing up for finals in the two classes I'm taking--Anatomy and Physiology. By the end of the week they will be behind me. Hopefully I will do well on the tests and they will help me get on with my life. In any event it is kind of nice to review the stuff I learned in medical school. But in reality, life isn't all tests and stuff, especially now that its summer. The summer is full of fun stuff to do and its especially fun when you have a wife and a little buzzard to do stuff with. Fortunately, I have both.

One of the fun things we did, actually this was just Summer (my wife) and I, was to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pioneer Day Commemoration concert. We went with my little brother and his date and the concert was titled "For Those Who Follow: A Tribute To Our Armed Forces". It was kind of a nice combination of Pioneer Day and Independence Day.

Another fun thing we did was go to a water park. Okay, it wasn't a water park, just a park with some fun water things for the kids. We took two of our nieces and Benjamin, of course, and had a wonderful time. The nieces loved it (in-fact they enjoyed it so much that they forgot there shoes when it was all over) and I think Benjamin had a good time too. Although he was a little afraid of the water.

Fortunately summer isn't over. Even after the tests are done I'm sure there will be plenty of fun things to do with the family.

Not the only one

About four months ago Faye, the daughter of a dear friend of mine, was diagnosed with a severe form of leukemia. A form that takes six months of chemotherapy-- with no real leave from the hospital.  Every time four year old Faye even breaths in some wrong air- she can and has caught infections, that have her hanging on for dear life. Her hair is gone, she has a bucket labeled the bucket of comfort-- for how nauseous the chemo makes her, and she is regularly attached to IV's-- meaning shots. Can you imagine?! If you want to cry today, visit www.fayesfight.blogspot.com and scroll down to some of the videos on the site. Also while you are there please consider donating to her cause, as the costs associated with this type of leukemia are astronomical.

Will has not had to experience what Faye has to go through, but there are some similarities. Faye is hanging on for dear life and when the six months are over, Faye will have a 50 percent chance of this cancer returning. Initially Will had a pretty high possibility of having another stroke-- as the years pass this possibility decreases. Will and I were married only nine months after his stroke.  When contemplating marrying him, at times I cried myself to sleep at night thinking I could lose him, the fear almost kept me for moving forward. I am so glad I let go of my fear.

Currently, Faye and her parents are fighting for their future financial stability, and a normal life for Faye. We are fighting for the same for Will. If people only knew how much Will walks around with the world on his shoulders. As government loans are unforgivable, we will be required to pay back Will's medical school bills, whether or not he returns to be a doctor. Three years after his stroke, Will is fighting for the ability to provide for Ben and I. Will is gone from 7 am to 9:30 pm Monday-Wed and then half the day on Thursday and Friday- attending school, volunteering at a lab and a free clinic.  With post stroke experience under his belt we are hoping Will can someday return to a normal life/career.

I guess I am writing today to say: I know we are not the only ones who stand in the face of a very uncertain future. I know we are not the only ones who fear for their health and financial stability.  So today if you are one of those people be glad you're not worse off. And if you're not one of those people lend a hand to someone who is, I imagine you won't have to look very far to find them. Lastly, don't let fear keep you from anything you want to do in this life. Your belief in a better day will set you free.

The Above and Below pictures are of Will and I volunteering at a fundraiser for Faye

And this blog post would not be complete without pictures of our little Ben

Our cute little swimmer pants

 Ben at the Dinasour Museum in Ogden

Ben and his friend Brody

Every year...

...something happens around the country that a small percent of the population knows about. I did not know about it until after I married Will. And now I know about it every year around this time.   Will experinces grief and loss, meanwhile thousands new doctors are showing up at the first of July for call at the hospitals where they matched.

This is the third year I have been with Will since the stroke. The loss Will continues to feel is significant. I still only understand it a little. He put so much work and dedication. I can't think of another career field that requires the level commitment and hard work that it takes to be a MD. Will's work ethic and knowledge have not changed. He is gone about 60 hours a week right now, volunteering at a clinic downtown, a lab on U of U campus, and attending and studying for his classes in between. At the end of the day none of these activities result in a pay check but he still does them, and puts all of his heart into them.

So today I hope to relate what Will sometimes does not see. He is healing at an incrediby fast rate. He has come so far and he continues to push himself farther. And even though it is sad that he is not joining his fellow residents this year, he has the potential to someday. I am so impressed with Will. He gets better everyday. In even the last few months, I've noted more depth in our converstions and improved problem solving skills.  I am so glad that things have turned out the way they have. The stroke brought Will home to me, and someday in the Lord's great mercy we will return as a family - to practice medicine.

Anatomy (again)

So one of the things I've been doing to regain the information that I once had before the stroke is retaking some classes that I had before. One of these classes is anatomy. Of course, this anatomy is not as complete as the one I took in medical school, but it is a good review. In medical school we spent a considerable portion of time (I don't remember quite how long) at the beginning doing anatomy. In fact, we did anatomy for the first few months together before we split into regular and independent study groups. I chose independent study.

Anatomy in medical school was different. First of all it was an every day thing. Every day in the lab. Now I have lectures three times a week and I go to the lab just once in the week. Another think thats different is the cadavers. In medical school we worked in groups and had cadavers.

Now, we still go around in groups, but the cadavers are all gone. We just look at one part while one of the TAs explain what it is and why its important. I do think that I remember quite a lot of anatomy from medical school, but it is quite detailed and while the general concepts are still very much there, I am sure that some of the details have been lost and have to be regained.

I think one thing I am regaining again is being comfortable in the "university" setting. I do think its pretty comfortable, but I would much rather be in the graduate setting instead of the undergraduate. I am, after all, ten years older (at least) than most of my colleagues in the class. I guess in that sense it does feel like I've taken a step back, I've already been an undergraduate, but I am moving forward and its good to have the opportunity to relearn some of the things I knew before.

My father in law's birthday present. Sand for the sandbox.

Hiking with Ben and two nieces

Ben and his aunt watching us play ultimate in the rain.

Ben watching us play basketball.

Ben loves his backpack.

No shortcuts

One day Will was capable and eligible to be a doctor and the next he was not.  Some random clot that was never found, a hole in his heart (that one in five people have anyways), no one to check in on him in time, one nerve in a unusual place on his brain (connecting his left and right hemispheres) -- created a storm that is taking years to resolve. We've yet to find a quick way back. Initially, we timed his recovery six to twelve months out. With this timeline in mind we returned to his "residency" a year and a half after his stroke for a trial rotation, and he was not re-admitted to his position as a practicing doctor.

Plans change. They have to be re-written. We have been at the drafting boards for the last year now and I think we're comfortable moving ahead with our next "attempt" at returning Will to medicine. I want to go off on a tangent for a moment. When I say "attempt" or "move ahead" that generally means a financial risk.   For example if we were to apply for a job tomorrow for Will and get it -- more than likely that would mean $30K job outside of practicing medicine and could possibly stop us from being able to return from residency due to lack of interim career/memory experience. Meaning $30k to pay off $200K worth of medical school debt. It would be a financial risk that could cost us our future/owning a home.

Now back on to the topic matter. They will not let us back into residency without proof of Will's capabilities, OSU told us they won't take him back to medical school and the U of U residency program said they won't let him do a "subinternship" to be brought up to speed in just a few months. The residency program he interviewed at, in December, did not accept him because they want more post stroke proof/experience in medicine. This means we have been denied practically all the shortcuts to getting Will back-- we have to "retrain" or "re-educate," which equals more financial responsibility. 

I believe, however, this year's risks are much more calculated-- AKA less risky.  This year we are still going off the assumption that Will is going to practice medicine again. Last year's failed risk cost us $2,000 in applications for residency, as there was no real interest in Will as a applicant. This year we are looking for $72K to go back to school, this time instead of medical school it will be Physicians Assistant School.  This risk involves a lot more time and money, but it also secures us more education, more time for brain injury recovery activities and most importantly it gives us the PROOF that we need to secure us the future we are hoping for. At the least this route would be a $90K job and a better means to pay off our school loans. At the best it would be a great venue to get Will back to residency-- Proven experience in a the field he got his M.D. in. 

I wish I could say we've secured the funds or that I am 100 percent positive Will can do this. Nobody--not even the doctors, have a crystal ball. So this time we are taking our steps one at a time, with no shortcuts!  We've developed a trial period (we meaning financial stakeholders) to be sure Will can do this. Today Will started two classes at the University of Utah. He is in an physiology class and an anatomy class (back to the cadavers again;)  Come the end of August we will see how he performs in his classes and also how he performs at doing Xray's at the free clinic that he volunteers, as he just got his certificate to do this. This will give us at least the needed evidence to then move on to apply for PA school…. So keep with us here, because the fun is just beginning. 

Toastmasters

A little over a year ago my father and I got involved with something called Toastmasters. Toastmasters is an organization for improving ones speaking skills. There are chapters all over the place, and what you do is just give, and evaluate, speeches. I gave a speech there probably once every six weeks or so until I gave a total of ten speeches. At the end of the ten speeches I won some sort of reward. I'm still waiting for the certificate, but whether or not it finally arrives I think it was definitely worth doing.

I think it was worth doing one, because I would like to improve my skills as an orator, and two, because it helped me draw closer to my Dad. I think it also helped me in my recovery from my stroke. Coming up with themes from my past and organizing them into speeches both helped me with my memory and with my delivery. While I don't know if doing these speeches helped a lot or a little with my recovery, I do feel that they did help.

In the future I plan to blog more about these speeches individually as well as other things and, hopefully, I can also find some meaningful relationship between them and my continued stoke recovery

Here are a few pictures we've taken on different excursions this past month. They have nothing to do with the aforementioned.

Benjamin and I checking out our cool new carrying pack.

Riding on the beach at Bear lake.

Benjamin and playmates watching Dad play frisbee.

Quite a dapper young gentleman if I do say so myself.

All dressed in our Sunday best on Easter.

Ben, uncle Jarom and grandpa Blackhurst at great grandpa Andrus's 90th birthday bash.