End of the season

Well, its not really the end of the summer, summer ended about a month ago, but its about to get cold out and then we'll be doing inside stuff for a while.  I suppose in a way thats sort of like my life right now.  Although, in my case I had to move the party inside about three and a half years ago.  Having said all that I would like to remind everybody that I was born in December and I got married in December.  There are some real blessings to be had, even in the dark, cold times of the year.  Plus spring always follows winter so there is always hope on the horizon.  I will just continue plugging forward.  Spring will come no matter how long or hard the winter is.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I think I will talk about some happier things that have happened at the end of the season.  One was a hike near Provo that I took with my wife and my Mom's side of the family including my Grandpa.  It was a lot of fun, and, thankfully, all down hill.  Little Benjamin might grow up to love hiking, but right now he can't sleep to well in the backpack so I think we'll have to keep our hikes short for his sake.  Despite his displeasure with the last mile or so of the hike I think he and the rest of us enjoyed the trip quite a bit.

Another good thing that has happened recently is the engagement of my little sister Sarah.  We are both very happy for her and hope the best for her and her fiance Paul.  

The last thing I'll write about is Benjamin's birthday.  He turned one almost a month ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but I guess it is.  In any case we had a party for him which included a delicious elephant cake.  He also got a number of toys to play with and I think he came off pretty well.  I am glad, however, that this sort of thing only has to be done once a year.  Ben's first year video is on youtube. Visit it if you'e like.  It does not have the original music my wife included with the video--but we added something youtube was ok with. 

Waiting

I remember it like it was yesterday, only it wasn't yesterday.  It was a year and a little over nine months ago. Will and I returned from our trip from Ohio, and we decided it was time to have a child. I was comforted in thinking... "it will be at least nine months before a baby is born -- plenty of time for Will to secure a job. I mean it makes sense... he has a graduate degree, he is functioning at higher levels than many others.  We can do this, we will be able to move on and afford a baby..." As we all know many things do not always work out as planned. Will spent many months looking for jobs, and interviewing at jobs. He was overqualified and underqualified for all the jobs we tried to get. He had spent the last eight years training for one thing... to be a doctor... so when it came to getting a job as simple as even a lab technician he did not have enough lab experince. Even though it has been three and a half years since the stroke, a marriage and a one year old later, we are still waiting.

The other day my sister said to me "I don't think my husband could do what Will is doing..." she was referring to how much time Will has to himself. I instantly cringed thinking... "he doesn't have a choice, he didn''t plan this nor does he want this but for some reason beyond our understanding he has to wait." However, as we have learned we can't always plan our future, and we don't always have a choice with what happens to us. We do, however, have a choice on how we are going to react to hard times when they come. I know I chose to marry Will, partly for how he chose to live before his stroke, but what sealed the deal was seeing how he chose to live after the stroke (serving, exercising, volunteering, studying, doing medical research, etc...).  I love him more everyday for his choices.  I also love him for choosing not to wait to bring Ben into the world. What a blessing he is in our lives. And as for Will and his future, I know that good things will come to Will who waits.

The Last Battle

What I have been thinking about lately I am not qualified to write about, but will only touch on.  I am not sure what inspired C.S.Lewis to think so much about the afterlife and so much about death… but the connections to these topics in his writing, specifically in the Chronicles of Narnia - are unmistakable. Will and I are on the very last book in the series "The Last Battle" and there are plenty of references to the Garden of Eden and partaking of the fruit (at the right time - not before the probationary period of life is over). There are also references to the Lion/Savior- who redeems all. My favorite references are those of the passing from one life to the next. The peace a true follower of "Aslan" (AKA the Savior) feels as he/she passes on. The power and beauty of returning to the one who began it all, and served and loved you throughout your life.

The reason I am not qualified to write on this topic is, I have not experienced it first hand. I haven't been the one who lost someone so close to me that I had to stop "living" myself for awhile while I recovered from the loss. I am however, attached to the theme - at times I feel like I have had a very unhealthy relationship with loss- or the fear of loss. I won't bore you with details of a teenager who would struggle to fall asleep and be in tears in her parents bedroom in the wee hours of the morning telling them never to die.  I was so afraid of losing them. I was afraid of losing anyone close to me. I didn't think I could do it. I guess I wanted to touch on this subject today because I am starting to understand that living in fear of something (in this case death) is no way to live. Especially because having a knowledge of the next life and what might await us there, should leave us with a strong desire to return home to the creator of us all when the time is right (not partaking of the fruit too soon).  I know those who read my words are not all of my faith, but imagine that you- sense something greater. I also imagine you have had times in your life when you have felt the love of God- and with that love you have been set free from fear and pain.  Keep seeking him who created you- you will feel faith and not fear as you do.

As for Will and I, we are good.  He continues to long for a return of his livelihood. As he coached our son up the stairs last night Will ached as Ben stopped halfway up- too afraid to continue to the top. He cried and reached  for Will - but Will did not reach back he only waited for Ben to muster the courage to make it all the way to the top-- Will later told me that Ben did make it to the top-- and that he longs for the day that he too makes it to the top.  I think he'll make it… What do you think?

p.s. If you are interested in learning more about our faith, and answers to questions like- What happens to us after we die. What about those, like some children, who die before they are baptized. Will they not be saved? Check out this video… you will never regret taking the time to watch it ;)

Camping

Earlier in the summer we had the opportunity to go camping twice in the span of two weekends. It was fun, especially since we had Ben, a newcomer to the whole camping experience. I like camping, its a good way to get away from it all and just relax.

The first place we went to was in Northern Utah, north of Layton where we live. That time we went with Summer's older brother Dale and his family. I say we went camping, but I should add that it wasn't real rough camping. We had a pool there and four-wheelers so it wasn't quite roughing it. We did, however, lose a frisbee in the weeds across the stream so it wasn't totally like we weren't camping. We also went to the Martin Harris pageant which was nearby.

The other place we went the following week was near midway. It was right by a golf course, but it actually wasn't quite as fancy as the first place we went to--no swimming pool. But, again, it was nicer than just finding a spot in the great outdoors. We had nice bathrooms and there were places to park RVs. This time we were with Summer's uncle and we again had a four-wheeler. Besides going on a four-wheel excursion in which we ended up helping a stranded motorist with a flat, we also went to the lake and did some kayaking. We came on a Friday and on Saturday lots of other relatives came over for a picnic lunch.

Now we've been back for quite some time and just doing normal things. One thing is I'm applying for Physicians Assistant school. It should be fun, if we get in. I got my picture taken for one of the applications.

Ben really wanted a picture too. Summer was of course glad to get it for him.

We also had a fun neighborhood party last weekend where this picture was taken.

Down to the Wire

Someone tell me that someday I will wake up and our future will not be one big question mark. Someone tell me that we won't have to hold our breath every time we apply for a desired position in school/residency/work/grant, hoping that someone will give us a chance.  Someone tell me that it's going to work out - that someone will see Will's potential and stop assuming that he can't or that you don't really ever fully recover from such a serious brain injury (unless it's 12-18months after the stroke). Sometimes it just seems so unfair. And by unfair I mean- sometimes I feel like all the effort and time to get Will somewhere he is happy-- somewhere he has already worked for more than eight years to get to (becoming a doctor)-- is just a waste. I get so frustrated sometimes.

Today's frustration is centered around physicians assistant school/grants.  It's not that we are there yet-- but we are a few days away from some critical deadlines, and things seems to be going wrong. The good news is that Will passed his summer courses. The bad news is that Will's teacher messed up a grade on his final and has to revise it before it goes on the transcript to be sent to CASPA (PA application center) and then mailed to the school of our choice.  This all has to happen in two weeks-- the deadline is Sept. 1st for our school of choice-- (U of U).  We get one shot at this and than we wait another year for another chance.  I don't know how much longer we can hold out…with looming medical school debt, a mortgage, a little person to care for and so on… we're down to the wire.  We need things to work out this year!

Reading through this post I can see that I'm experiencing woman brain-- clumping all my issues together and than expecting one solution or fix -- and of course that fix is someone else. Someone else has to give us a chance, we deserve better...  I know that this is not how things work. Will's recovery comes one solution at a time and no teacher or job or college or residency program can just fix it all. And even though it is frustrating waiting and hoping and holding our breath… I know that someday we will wake up and our life will not just be one big question mark-- I know we can do this and you can too…Whatever your question mark is-- you can too…

Summer Fun

Right now I'm gearing up for finals in the two classes I'm taking--Anatomy and Physiology. By the end of the week they will be behind me. Hopefully I will do well on the tests and they will help me get on with my life. In any event it is kind of nice to review the stuff I learned in medical school. But in reality, life isn't all tests and stuff, especially now that its summer. The summer is full of fun stuff to do and its especially fun when you have a wife and a little buzzard to do stuff with. Fortunately, I have both.

One of the fun things we did, actually this was just Summer (my wife) and I, was to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pioneer Day Commemoration concert. We went with my little brother and his date and the concert was titled "For Those Who Follow: A Tribute To Our Armed Forces". It was kind of a nice combination of Pioneer Day and Independence Day.

Another fun thing we did was go to a water park. Okay, it wasn't a water park, just a park with some fun water things for the kids. We took two of our nieces and Benjamin, of course, and had a wonderful time. The nieces loved it (in-fact they enjoyed it so much that they forgot there shoes when it was all over) and I think Benjamin had a good time too. Although he was a little afraid of the water.

Fortunately summer isn't over. Even after the tests are done I'm sure there will be plenty of fun things to do with the family.

Not the only one

About four months ago Faye, the daughter of a dear friend of mine, was diagnosed with a severe form of leukemia. A form that takes six months of chemotherapy-- with no real leave from the hospital.  Every time four year old Faye even breaths in some wrong air- she can and has caught infections, that have her hanging on for dear life. Her hair is gone, she has a bucket labeled the bucket of comfort-- for how nauseous the chemo makes her, and she is regularly attached to IV's-- meaning shots. Can you imagine?! If you want to cry today, visit www.fayesfight.blogspot.com and scroll down to some of the videos on the site. Also while you are there please consider donating to her cause, as the costs associated with this type of leukemia are astronomical.

Will has not had to experience what Faye has to go through, but there are some similarities. Faye is hanging on for dear life and when the six months are over, Faye will have a 50 percent chance of this cancer returning. Initially Will had a pretty high possibility of having another stroke-- as the years pass this possibility decreases. Will and I were married only nine months after his stroke.  When contemplating marrying him, at times I cried myself to sleep at night thinking I could lose him, the fear almost kept me for moving forward. I am so glad I let go of my fear.

Currently, Faye and her parents are fighting for their future financial stability, and a normal life for Faye. We are fighting for the same for Will. If people only knew how much Will walks around with the world on his shoulders. As government loans are unforgivable, we will be required to pay back Will's medical school bills, whether or not he returns to be a doctor. Three years after his stroke, Will is fighting for the ability to provide for Ben and I. Will is gone from 7 am to 9:30 pm Monday-Wed and then half the day on Thursday and Friday- attending school, volunteering at a lab and a free clinic.  With post stroke experience under his belt we are hoping Will can someday return to a normal life/career.

I guess I am writing today to say: I know we are not the only ones who stand in the face of a very uncertain future. I know we are not the only ones who fear for their health and financial stability.  So today if you are one of those people be glad you're not worse off. And if you're not one of those people lend a hand to someone who is, I imagine you won't have to look very far to find them. Lastly, don't let fear keep you from anything you want to do in this life. Your belief in a better day will set you free.

The Above and Below pictures are of Will and I volunteering at a fundraiser for Faye

And this blog post would not be complete without pictures of our little Ben

Our cute little swimmer pants

 Ben at the Dinasour Museum in Ogden

Ben and his friend Brody