What if...

For the past year I've been hoping to catch even just a glimse of what happened with Gabrielle Giffords. Just thinking about the sequences of pain, loss, and anger that she must be cycling through at having her very identity taken away or all of the sudden changed by a freak accident/incident.  You can't imagine how long it has taken Will to begin to accept that one day he was a doctor and the next he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or which part of the heart pumped out blood and which part let it in.  For Giffords,  I think some of her heightened deficits are the reasons the press was kept from her for so long. Because when you build it up in your mind as - she'll be back to her old self-- than she can return to her career or position in society as her "old self."

I sometimes wonder if we let Will "free" to the "press" too soon. If the first impressions doctors had of him when he returned for his trial rotation was their final impression-- that he couldn't possibly cross back to who he was. When we took Will to Ohio to be assessed I rehearsed with him pictures and names of his associates there-- so he could come across as being more competent. Now if we were to return I wouldn't reherse names with him.  I wouldn't have to rehearse anything with him. When we talk now - he reminds me of dates and names. He explains medical information to me in detail and with great interest. If we had waited and "released" Will this year (instead of two years ago) would we have had more of a chance?

While I didn't see Giffords entire interview-- I saw parts of it. Giffords is unable to speak in full sentences. She is also unable to walk on her own. She was definitely different.  People kept talking about a return to her position in office. But I think that was for show. I assume she and the rest of the crew knows, it's too soon to tell.  In the meantime, Giffords was beaming. She was funny. She was strong. Gabby walks with a limp- but she walks tall.

A few of Will's brothers and sisters gathered to play ultimate frisbee Thanksgiving Day 

Reconcile

So I have a thing. We have to eek out at least two blog posts a month.  But for me it's a lot less eeking cause I have a thing for writing. For Will-- he is fine with it but it's not as much his thing.... Why am I telling you this...We're late on this post and you might hear from me a few times in a row in the next week.

We have good excuses for being late on our posts.  We moved. Will was in Ohio for a little bit and we were unable to leave our beds this last week cause we had a nasty case of stomach flu. The logical thing would be to tell you the details-- why we moved, why Will was in Ohio and the details to the stomach flu-just kidding I'll spare you those details.  But you know me-- Will's in the details, I'm in the stories. So Hold tight and Will will tell you about his interview with a PA school in Ohio.  Our move is complicated but it's having to do with selling the condo I own - maybe Will will tell you more about that too.

It is because of the above mentioned experiences in our life-- that I feel like the pressure is building. The pressure to get results, the pressure to move on with our lives, to find a way to not live in a box in my parents backyard the rest of our life. It was really weird marrying Will and knowing that our earning potential may be a dr.'s wage or may be quite a different wage.  As it goes medical school debt really only makes sense on a dr's wage. So how do you reconcile the bills. I believe it has a lot more to do with living what you know than it does with how much money you make. In the end, it really doesn't matter if we make $$ or $$$, it matters how we lived. So I think the best way to reconcile is to be OK with who you are at the moment, doing the very best to make the person in the next moment proud of the person in the prior moment.

Will in Ohio at his interview

The Good

Ben is learning sign language through a popular video series called "Signing Times."  The videos were created as a response a mother had when she found out her one-year-old baby girl was deaf. In one of her songs on the video it talks about: Starting out with dreams then having fear overtake her (I'm assuming when she found out her little girl was deaf) and then looking to her hands and her "fear slipped away." The chorus goes onto say "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good." As the song continues images of a father and mother holding one another than playing with their child who is severely handicap roll on the screen. These types of hard times are ones that "never get better."  My heart aches when I think of how difficult it must be for some people who live with or love someone who has a lifetime disability or a lifetime trial. They will never have it "easy" -- but is that what it is about? Finding the easiest path?  One without heartbreak, one without sadness and even at times anger?

Listening to this song I can't help to wonder - how many people relate to the message the composer is sharing here "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good?" How many people relate to what it feels like to have found the "why or how" beyond their trial...that something that makes you more powerful- or in other words "more good."

Don't get me wrong-- heartbreak, sadness and anger of themselves do not automatically breed "good"-- it only has the potential to.  In the song the author had to look to her hands and move forward.  Then only later did her fear slip away and her "...hands(sign language) did so much more" for so many more people- than just her daughter.

My challenge is for those in the sound of this blog post to look deeper.  To feel deeper. Anger, sadness, and heartbreak don't have to make us worse... it can make us better.  Let the hard move you to do better-- let the pain push you to greater compassion, greater forgiveness...and not greater fear or anger or sadness, and I promise by doing this you'll find the good.

End of the season

Well, its not really the end of the summer, summer ended about a month ago, but its about to get cold out and then we'll be doing inside stuff for a while.  I suppose in a way thats sort of like my life right now.  Although, in my case I had to move the party inside about three and a half years ago.  Having said all that I would like to remind everybody that I was born in December and I got married in December.  There are some real blessings to be had, even in the dark, cold times of the year.  Plus spring always follows winter so there is always hope on the horizon.  I will just continue plugging forward.  Spring will come no matter how long or hard the winter is.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I think I will talk about some happier things that have happened at the end of the season.  One was a hike near Provo that I took with my wife and my Mom's side of the family including my Grandpa.  It was a lot of fun, and, thankfully, all down hill.  Little Benjamin might grow up to love hiking, but right now he can't sleep to well in the backpack so I think we'll have to keep our hikes short for his sake.  Despite his displeasure with the last mile or so of the hike I think he and the rest of us enjoyed the trip quite a bit.

Another good thing that has happened recently is the engagement of my little sister Sarah.  We are both very happy for her and hope the best for her and her fiance Paul.  

The last thing I'll write about is Benjamin's birthday.  He turned one almost a month ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but I guess it is.  In any case we had a party for him which included a delicious elephant cake.  He also got a number of toys to play with and I think he came off pretty well.  I am glad, however, that this sort of thing only has to be done once a year.  Ben's first year video is on youtube. Visit it if you'e like.  It does not have the original music my wife included with the video--but we added something youtube was ok with. 

Waiting

I remember it like it was yesterday, only it wasn't yesterday.  It was a year and a little over nine months ago. Will and I returned from our trip from Ohio, and we decided it was time to have a child. I was comforted in thinking... "it will be at least nine months before a baby is born -- plenty of time for Will to secure a job. I mean it makes sense... he has a graduate degree, he is functioning at higher levels than many others.  We can do this, we will be able to move on and afford a baby..." As we all know many things do not always work out as planned. Will spent many months looking for jobs, and interviewing at jobs. He was overqualified and underqualified for all the jobs we tried to get. He had spent the last eight years training for one thing... to be a doctor... so when it came to getting a job as simple as even a lab technician he did not have enough lab experince. Even though it has been three and a half years since the stroke, a marriage and a one year old later, we are still waiting.

The other day my sister said to me "I don't think my husband could do what Will is doing..." she was referring to how much time Will has to himself. I instantly cringed thinking... "he doesn't have a choice, he didn''t plan this nor does he want this but for some reason beyond our understanding he has to wait." However, as we have learned we can't always plan our future, and we don't always have a choice with what happens to us. We do, however, have a choice on how we are going to react to hard times when they come. I know I chose to marry Will, partly for how he chose to live before his stroke, but what sealed the deal was seeing how he chose to live after the stroke (serving, exercising, volunteering, studying, doing medical research, etc...).  I love him more everyday for his choices.  I also love him for choosing not to wait to bring Ben into the world. What a blessing he is in our lives. And as for Will and his future, I know that good things will come to Will who waits.

The Last Battle

What I have been thinking about lately I am not qualified to write about, but will only touch on.  I am not sure what inspired C.S.Lewis to think so much about the afterlife and so much about death… but the connections to these topics in his writing, specifically in the Chronicles of Narnia - are unmistakable. Will and I are on the very last book in the series "The Last Battle" and there are plenty of references to the Garden of Eden and partaking of the fruit (at the right time - not before the probationary period of life is over). There are also references to the Lion/Savior- who redeems all. My favorite references are those of the passing from one life to the next. The peace a true follower of "Aslan" (AKA the Savior) feels as he/she passes on. The power and beauty of returning to the one who began it all, and served and loved you throughout your life.

The reason I am not qualified to write on this topic is, I have not experienced it first hand. I haven't been the one who lost someone so close to me that I had to stop "living" myself for awhile while I recovered from the loss. I am however, attached to the theme - at times I feel like I have had a very unhealthy relationship with loss- or the fear of loss. I won't bore you with details of a teenager who would struggle to fall asleep and be in tears in her parents bedroom in the wee hours of the morning telling them never to die.  I was so afraid of losing them. I was afraid of losing anyone close to me. I didn't think I could do it. I guess I wanted to touch on this subject today because I am starting to understand that living in fear of something (in this case death) is no way to live. Especially because having a knowledge of the next life and what might await us there, should leave us with a strong desire to return home to the creator of us all when the time is right (not partaking of the fruit too soon).  I know those who read my words are not all of my faith, but imagine that you- sense something greater. I also imagine you have had times in your life when you have felt the love of God- and with that love you have been set free from fear and pain.  Keep seeking him who created you- you will feel faith and not fear as you do.

As for Will and I, we are good.  He continues to long for a return of his livelihood. As he coached our son up the stairs last night Will ached as Ben stopped halfway up- too afraid to continue to the top. He cried and reached  for Will - but Will did not reach back he only waited for Ben to muster the courage to make it all the way to the top-- Will later told me that Ben did make it to the top-- and that he longs for the day that he too makes it to the top.  I think he'll make it… What do you think?

p.s. If you are interested in learning more about our faith, and answers to questions like- What happens to us after we die. What about those, like some children, who die before they are baptized. Will they not be saved? Check out this video… you will never regret taking the time to watch it ;)

Camping

Earlier in the summer we had the opportunity to go camping twice in the span of two weekends. It was fun, especially since we had Ben, a newcomer to the whole camping experience. I like camping, its a good way to get away from it all and just relax.

The first place we went to was in Northern Utah, north of Layton where we live. That time we went with Summer's older brother Dale and his family. I say we went camping, but I should add that it wasn't real rough camping. We had a pool there and four-wheelers so it wasn't quite roughing it. We did, however, lose a frisbee in the weeds across the stream so it wasn't totally like we weren't camping. We also went to the Martin Harris pageant which was nearby.

The other place we went the following week was near midway. It was right by a golf course, but it actually wasn't quite as fancy as the first place we went to--no swimming pool. But, again, it was nicer than just finding a spot in the great outdoors. We had nice bathrooms and there were places to park RVs. This time we were with Summer's uncle and we again had a four-wheeler. Besides going on a four-wheel excursion in which we ended up helping a stranded motorist with a flat, we also went to the lake and did some kayaking. We came on a Friday and on Saturday lots of other relatives came over for a picnic lunch.

Now we've been back for quite some time and just doing normal things. One thing is I'm applying for Physicians Assistant school. It should be fun, if we get in. I got my picture taken for one of the applications.

Ben really wanted a picture too. Summer was of course glad to get it for him.

We also had a fun neighborhood party last weekend where this picture was taken.