It happened last night

Will and I were leaving after a mormon tabernacle choir preformance, where Jane Seymour was the guest artist who told stories of King Wenceslas.  As we were filtering out of the conference center with about 21,000 others, we made our way towards our parked car. After crossing in front of Mrs. Seymour's limo and thanking her for the preformance we proceeded to cross the street. At which point we heard a "Pow." Not a crash like metal on metal -- but a "Pow" like body on metal. We raced over to find two people rising from the ground. The driver apologizing than hurrying off in her SUV. The couple hobbled to the sidewalk where the girl had to sit down--  she said her ankle hurt. Of course as more time passed her ankle started to hurt even more and an ambulance was called. Will and I sat with the couple for about 30 minutes in the below freezing weather. We held her when she cried and laughed with her over her embarrasment of the scene. When all was said and done the paramedics reccomened she go get an xray on her foot and the police officer gave her a case number... he than said "this is a rotten thing to happen just a week before christmas."  I quickly rebuttled "no it's not. It is such a blessing. It is such a blessing that something much worse did not happen...."

I know I am not always as sensitive as I should be and these words may or may not have been welcomed words... but I begin with this story because this is how I feel this Christmas season. Will and I have had a very magical season. And it isn't magical because we were welcomed into a PA school-- because we were not. It isn't magical because we got a job, we have not.  It's magical because our situation is not much worse. It's a blessing that Will is alive, that we have Ben. That we are together and unified. Our family is well, our finances are stable, and we feel warmth from the angels/family/friends who surround us.  In the past few weeks we have visited a few care facilities to bring them Christmas goodies. One person in particular, who we visited was a 20 something girl who could not move her arms or legs--- actually I don't know if she had arms or legs her body was covered by a sheet.  To communicate she used a microphone attached to her head, and a computer that sensed the movement of her face.  I don't know how she ended up like this but I imagine we can realize that no matter what situation we are in... things could be much worse--- that we really are blessed beyond measure. Take this season to count your blessings. Take this very moment to write them down. You will find much more to write than you ever expected. The Lord is great. He loves us and protects us. Be thankful for your life this season and for those you love!

The Wind Storm

This Sunday was a little unusual. After church a couple of young men came to our door asking for fast offerings (donations we give once a month to our church). This was unusual because normally they come on the first Sunday every month. This time was different, however, because last Sunday, the first Sunday, our entire congregation was out doing something else.

What were we doing? Well, last week we had a terrible wind storm come through on Thursday and another one was predicted for Sunday evening. Because the storm was so terrible many trees here in Bountiful and throughout Davis county were blown over. Also the power was out for lots of people including us for at least a day and others had it out for longer. Because it was supposed to be windy again last Sunday night we spent a lot of time trying to be a little more prepaired for the storm. This meant getting rid of the trees that had fallen during Thursday's storm or at least tying them down so the wind couldn't blow the branches into other peoples houses.

One of the trees that blew over was a tree in my parents front yard. It was a massive tree and required a lot of work to get it cut up and moved out. Fortunately my parents had a lot of help both from neighbors and from the city as well as from us.

Its kind of sad now that the tree is gone. I think it was kind of a landmark of my parents property. But having said that I think the property will be fine including the place were the tree once stood. I'm not sure what they are going to do, maybe just flatten the area out and plant grass, or possible plant a new tree. I don't think it really matters. I guess, in a way, I'm kind of like the yard with that tree. Unfortunately a stroke was my windstorm and knocked my tree down flat. Fortunately, however, I've had a lot of help getting the old tree out and making room for a new tree to grow. I hope and pray that it will.

What if...

For the past year I've been hoping to catch even just a glimse of what happened with Gabrielle Giffords. Just thinking about the sequences of pain, loss, and anger that she must be cycling through at having her very identity taken away or all of the sudden changed by a freak accident/incident.  You can't imagine how long it has taken Will to begin to accept that one day he was a doctor and the next he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or which part of the heart pumped out blood and which part let it in.  For Giffords,  I think some of her heightened deficits are the reasons the press was kept from her for so long. Because when you build it up in your mind as - she'll be back to her old self-- than she can return to her career or position in society as her "old self."

I sometimes wonder if we let Will "free" to the "press" too soon. If the first impressions doctors had of him when he returned for his trial rotation was their final impression-- that he couldn't possibly cross back to who he was. When we took Will to Ohio to be assessed I rehearsed with him pictures and names of his associates there-- so he could come across as being more competent. Now if we were to return I wouldn't reherse names with him.  I wouldn't have to rehearse anything with him. When we talk now - he reminds me of dates and names. He explains medical information to me in detail and with great interest. If we had waited and "released" Will this year (instead of two years ago) would we have had more of a chance?

While I didn't see Giffords entire interview-- I saw parts of it. Giffords is unable to speak in full sentences. She is also unable to walk on her own. She was definitely different.  People kept talking about a return to her position in office. But I think that was for show. I assume she and the rest of the crew knows, it's too soon to tell.  In the meantime, Giffords was beaming. She was funny. She was strong. Gabby walks with a limp- but she walks tall.

A few of Will's brothers and sisters gathered to play ultimate frisbee Thanksgiving Day 

Reconcile

So I have a thing. We have to eek out at least two blog posts a month.  But for me it's a lot less eeking cause I have a thing for writing. For Will-- he is fine with it but it's not as much his thing.... Why am I telling you this...We're late on this post and you might hear from me a few times in a row in the next week.

We have good excuses for being late on our posts.  We moved. Will was in Ohio for a little bit and we were unable to leave our beds this last week cause we had a nasty case of stomach flu. The logical thing would be to tell you the details-- why we moved, why Will was in Ohio and the details to the stomach flu-just kidding I'll spare you those details.  But you know me-- Will's in the details, I'm in the stories. So Hold tight and Will will tell you about his interview with a PA school in Ohio.  Our move is complicated but it's having to do with selling the condo I own - maybe Will will tell you more about that too.

It is because of the above mentioned experiences in our life-- that I feel like the pressure is building. The pressure to get results, the pressure to move on with our lives, to find a way to not live in a box in my parents backyard the rest of our life. It was really weird marrying Will and knowing that our earning potential may be a dr.'s wage or may be quite a different wage.  As it goes medical school debt really only makes sense on a dr's wage. So how do you reconcile the bills. I believe it has a lot more to do with living what you know than it does with how much money you make. In the end, it really doesn't matter if we make $$ or $$$, it matters how we lived. So I think the best way to reconcile is to be OK with who you are at the moment, doing the very best to make the person in the next moment proud of the person in the prior moment.

Will in Ohio at his interview

The Good

Ben is learning sign language through a popular video series called "Signing Times."  The videos were created as a response a mother had when she found out her one-year-old baby girl was deaf. In one of her songs on the video it talks about: Starting out with dreams then having fear overtake her (I'm assuming when she found out her little girl was deaf) and then looking to her hands and her "fear slipped away." The chorus goes onto say "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good." As the song continues images of a father and mother holding one another than playing with their child who is severely handicap roll on the screen. These types of hard times are ones that "never get better."  My heart aches when I think of how difficult it must be for some people who live with or love someone who has a lifetime disability or a lifetime trial. They will never have it "easy" -- but is that what it is about? Finding the easiest path?  One without heartbreak, one without sadness and even at times anger?

Listening to this song I can't help to wonder - how many people relate to the message the composer is sharing here "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good?" How many people relate to what it feels like to have found the "why or how" beyond their trial...that something that makes you more powerful- or in other words "more good."

Don't get me wrong-- heartbreak, sadness and anger of themselves do not automatically breed "good"-- it only has the potential to.  In the song the author had to look to her hands and move forward.  Then only later did her fear slip away and her "...hands(sign language) did so much more" for so many more people- than just her daughter.

My challenge is for those in the sound of this blog post to look deeper.  To feel deeper. Anger, sadness, and heartbreak don't have to make us worse... it can make us better.  Let the hard move you to do better-- let the pain push you to greater compassion, greater forgiveness...and not greater fear or anger or sadness, and I promise by doing this you'll find the good.

End of the season

Well, its not really the end of the summer, summer ended about a month ago, but its about to get cold out and then we'll be doing inside stuff for a while.  I suppose in a way thats sort of like my life right now.  Although, in my case I had to move the party inside about three and a half years ago.  Having said all that I would like to remind everybody that I was born in December and I got married in December.  There are some real blessings to be had, even in the dark, cold times of the year.  Plus spring always follows winter so there is always hope on the horizon.  I will just continue plugging forward.  Spring will come no matter how long or hard the winter is.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I think I will talk about some happier things that have happened at the end of the season.  One was a hike near Provo that I took with my wife and my Mom's side of the family including my Grandpa.  It was a lot of fun, and, thankfully, all down hill.  Little Benjamin might grow up to love hiking, but right now he can't sleep to well in the backpack so I think we'll have to keep our hikes short for his sake.  Despite his displeasure with the last mile or so of the hike I think he and the rest of us enjoyed the trip quite a bit.

Another good thing that has happened recently is the engagement of my little sister Sarah.  We are both very happy for her and hope the best for her and her fiance Paul.  

The last thing I'll write about is Benjamin's birthday.  He turned one almost a month ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but I guess it is.  In any case we had a party for him which included a delicious elephant cake.  He also got a number of toys to play with and I think he came off pretty well.  I am glad, however, that this sort of thing only has to be done once a year.  Ben's first year video is on youtube. Visit it if you'e like.  It does not have the original music my wife included with the video--but we added something youtube was ok with. 

Waiting

I remember it like it was yesterday, only it wasn't yesterday.  It was a year and a little over nine months ago. Will and I returned from our trip from Ohio, and we decided it was time to have a child. I was comforted in thinking... "it will be at least nine months before a baby is born -- plenty of time for Will to secure a job. I mean it makes sense... he has a graduate degree, he is functioning at higher levels than many others.  We can do this, we will be able to move on and afford a baby..." As we all know many things do not always work out as planned. Will spent many months looking for jobs, and interviewing at jobs. He was overqualified and underqualified for all the jobs we tried to get. He had spent the last eight years training for one thing... to be a doctor... so when it came to getting a job as simple as even a lab technician he did not have enough lab experince. Even though it has been three and a half years since the stroke, a marriage and a one year old later, we are still waiting.

The other day my sister said to me "I don't think my husband could do what Will is doing..." she was referring to how much time Will has to himself. I instantly cringed thinking... "he doesn't have a choice, he didn''t plan this nor does he want this but for some reason beyond our understanding he has to wait." However, as we have learned we can't always plan our future, and we don't always have a choice with what happens to us. We do, however, have a choice on how we are going to react to hard times when they come. I know I chose to marry Will, partly for how he chose to live before his stroke, but what sealed the deal was seeing how he chose to live after the stroke (serving, exercising, volunteering, studying, doing medical research, etc...).  I love him more everyday for his choices.  I also love him for choosing not to wait to bring Ben into the world. What a blessing he is in our lives. And as for Will and his future, I know that good things will come to Will who waits.