Waiting

I remember it like it was yesterday, only it wasn't yesterday.  It was a year and a little over nine months ago. Will and I returned from our trip from Ohio, and we decided it was time to have a child. I was comforted in thinking... "it will be at least nine months before a baby is born -- plenty of time for Will to secure a job. I mean it makes sense... he has a graduate degree, he is functioning at higher levels than many others.  We can do this, we will be able to move on and afford a baby..." As we all know many things do not always work out as planned. Will spent many months looking for jobs, and interviewing at jobs. He was overqualified and underqualified for all the jobs we tried to get. He had spent the last eight years training for one thing... to be a doctor... so when it came to getting a job as simple as even a lab technician he did not have enough lab experince. Even though it has been three and a half years since the stroke, a marriage and a one year old later, we are still waiting.

The other day my sister said to me "I don't think my husband could do what Will is doing..." she was referring to how much time Will has to himself. I instantly cringed thinking... "he doesn't have a choice, he didn''t plan this nor does he want this but for some reason beyond our understanding he has to wait." However, as we have learned we can't always plan our future, and we don't always have a choice with what happens to us. We do, however, have a choice on how we are going to react to hard times when they come. I know I chose to marry Will, partly for how he chose to live before his stroke, but what sealed the deal was seeing how he chose to live after the stroke (serving, exercising, volunteering, studying, doing medical research, etc...).  I love him more everyday for his choices.  I also love him for choosing not to wait to bring Ben into the world. What a blessing he is in our lives. And as for Will and his future, I know that good things will come to Will who waits.

The Last Battle

What I have been thinking about lately I am not qualified to write about, but will only touch on.  I am not sure what inspired C.S.Lewis to think so much about the afterlife and so much about death… but the connections to these topics in his writing, specifically in the Chronicles of Narnia - are unmistakable. Will and I are on the very last book in the series "The Last Battle" and there are plenty of references to the Garden of Eden and partaking of the fruit (at the right time - not before the probationary period of life is over). There are also references to the Lion/Savior- who redeems all. My favorite references are those of the passing from one life to the next. The peace a true follower of "Aslan" (AKA the Savior) feels as he/she passes on. The power and beauty of returning to the one who began it all, and served and loved you throughout your life.

The reason I am not qualified to write on this topic is, I have not experienced it first hand. I haven't been the one who lost someone so close to me that I had to stop "living" myself for awhile while I recovered from the loss. I am however, attached to the theme - at times I feel like I have had a very unhealthy relationship with loss- or the fear of loss. I won't bore you with details of a teenager who would struggle to fall asleep and be in tears in her parents bedroom in the wee hours of the morning telling them never to die.  I was so afraid of losing them. I was afraid of losing anyone close to me. I didn't think I could do it. I guess I wanted to touch on this subject today because I am starting to understand that living in fear of something (in this case death) is no way to live. Especially because having a knowledge of the next life and what might await us there, should leave us with a strong desire to return home to the creator of us all when the time is right (not partaking of the fruit too soon).  I know those who read my words are not all of my faith, but imagine that you- sense something greater. I also imagine you have had times in your life when you have felt the love of God- and with that love you have been set free from fear and pain.  Keep seeking him who created you- you will feel faith and not fear as you do.

As for Will and I, we are good.  He continues to long for a return of his livelihood. As he coached our son up the stairs last night Will ached as Ben stopped halfway up- too afraid to continue to the top. He cried and reached  for Will - but Will did not reach back he only waited for Ben to muster the courage to make it all the way to the top-- Will later told me that Ben did make it to the top-- and that he longs for the day that he too makes it to the top.  I think he'll make it… What do you think?

p.s. If you are interested in learning more about our faith, and answers to questions like- What happens to us after we die. What about those, like some children, who die before they are baptized. Will they not be saved? Check out this video… you will never regret taking the time to watch it ;)