Moving forward...

My heart broke into a million pieces a few weeks ago when my sister called me to let me know a close friend of mine lost her brother, TJ, in a car accident. He was only 18 years old.... in fact last year I took his high school senior pictures. After the shock of the news wore off I sorta just rolled into a state of sadness... I couldn't believe it. And when I tried to believe it, I was just more sad. I tried to explain the pain away but that didn't help either. In fact I've been so late on this blog entry because I haven't known what to say. I still don't really know what to say. I don't think TJ's sister will ever read this, and I don't have to make things better for the family, but I at least want to offer comfort. Comfort to anyone who has dealt with loss on such a grand scale.

I read in the news an article of a young mother her lost her husband.... she said she didn't like the phrase "moving on" you don't ever move on from something like this. You move forward. From the minute something like this happens you start "moving forward."  You don't let it "define you" or hold you back. In Will's case the stroke will always be a part of his life. But how he has moved forward and continues to move forward from his injury has made all the difference. Our marriage is one of the many results of his not giving up. Of his moving forward. His positive attitude in the face of such a difficult circumstance has made his situation so much better than it could have been.

As far as words of comfort-- I want to share one thing I know for sure. That this life is not the end. It isn't the beginning either. We lived with our Heavenly Father before we came. We accepted the opportunity to come here and TJ has returned to prepare to live with our Father in Heaven once more. And while the separation for his family is bitter. It is not forever. TJ's family can see him again, if they also live worthy to see the Father again. TJ's mother has already said her desire to live better is so much stronger, knowing that if she lives right she can see her son again. And it is only through the atoning sacrifice of the Father's Only Begotten, Jesus Christ, who made it possible for our flesh to be taken up again and to be reunited with our spirit. No greater comfort can I offer than the personal invitation to all who read this blog to strengthen their relationship with the Savior. So that they might live in total peace that no matter what happens in this life.... we will live again.  And we can live in glory with our families as we lean on our Saviors purifying power, and become more worthy each day for his kingdom.

When TJ died he was on the way home from a dentist appointment. The appointment was one of a few appointments he needed to complete to prepare to leave his family for two years and serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe February 1, 2012, TJ instead was called to serve a different mission.

Take a minute to watch the following video clip about a man who lost half his family in a car crash caused by a drunk driver...

Cognitive Recovery

I gave up the "angry life isn't fair business" in the first year of Will's stroke. I knew I couldn't live like that. I knew we shouldn't live like that. But today I felt a little resentment. I felt justified. And for a moment I felt angry. On national television a reporter repeated Gabby Giffords doctor who said "physical recovery tends to plateau after at the year mark, but cognitive recovery happens for years. It just keeps getting better." I feel like I have been trying to convince doctors and specifically Will's neurosphycologist-- who writes letters to the doctors, of this fact for years. Why am I the one trying to convince the "experts" that my husband is getting better that cognitive recovery happens past 6-12 months unlike much physical recovery. That Will's cognitive recovery has never stopped! Every time our neuropsychologist writes a letter -- it just gets someone else to close a door on us!!! He, and other physicians (not all) have tried to get us to believe that Will's cognition is going to plateau and that will be that.  I recognize our situation is not as black and white as give Will enough time and he'll be the same old doctor he was before. But I also believe he can be a doctor again and he will be a better doctor than he was before. I know this because I have front row seats to the most amazing cognitive recovery ever.

So why was I angry... I guess my anger was really fear. I don't want to hear no again. I don't want Will to be passed by for an interview because of potential misinformation/misunderstanding on the side of the interviewers. I want Will to have a chance. He studies anywhere from 8-10 hours a day!  He doesn't give himself a day or hour off (I should know I tried to get him to just watch a movie with me tonight and he told me he couldn't he needed to study).  I pray with all of my heart that Will's desires and preparation will lead him back to where he really longs to be. And I know not a day goes by that he doesn't pray for the same.  Will has until June to take and pass Step 3 of the boards. After that this particular opportunity will no longer be available to him. Pray for Will this year. Pray for him to be able to scale this very steep wall that could lead him back to a residency position.

Speaking of extraordnary-- our son eats with a spoon and hardly makes a mess at all!!! At 16 months.  Also he is offically walking as of a couple weeks ago!

A New Year

I was at whit ends the last part of the year-- thinking- what will we do if we don't get into Physicians Assistant school.  Waiting and hoping for a chance to start again, I nearly drove myself crazy. And then something happend.  Will lost any inhibition he might have had to wait for an opportunity and started studying. He has been putting in 8 to 10 hour days for weeks now-- studying to take the third set of the boards. He takes and re-takes practice tests and is pouring over test prepartion materials. Without my prompting my husband is on fire with more motivation/desire to become a doctor than I've ever seen before. I am so pleased with this change of events that any sadness over not getting into PA school has melted away. 

I am so happy to be his wife. To be the wife of someone who hasn't buckled under the weight of what seems to be an insormountable trial.  I have never seen someone fight so hard to get back what he lost. His focus has never waivered. We have written and re-written plans and found more dead ends than I wish to count. There have been many opportunities to just walk away, but Will doesn't take the bait. I find more meaning in this relationship and in my husbands determination than I ever thought possible.  I am grateful to be the recipient of such a wonderful love. In the prescence of such an amazing individual- day in and day out. And as we spent a day and a half away from our little guy to celebrate our anniversary. Shopping, eating out, playing chess, drinking hot chocoalate, listening to music, going to the movie theater, and staying at a fun hotel downtown Salt Lake City; I felt like the luckiest girl on earth. I don't know what our future holds but I know from past experince that it holds something wonderful.

It happened last night

Will and I were leaving after a mormon tabernacle choir preformance, where Jane Seymour was the guest artist who told stories of King Wenceslas.  As we were filtering out of the conference center with about 21,000 others, we made our way towards our parked car. After crossing in front of Mrs. Seymour's limo and thanking her for the preformance we proceeded to cross the street. At which point we heard a "Pow." Not a crash like metal on metal -- but a "Pow" like body on metal. We raced over to find two people rising from the ground. The driver apologizing than hurrying off in her SUV. The couple hobbled to the sidewalk where the girl had to sit down--  she said her ankle hurt. Of course as more time passed her ankle started to hurt even more and an ambulance was called. Will and I sat with the couple for about 30 minutes in the below freezing weather. We held her when she cried and laughed with her over her embarrasment of the scene. When all was said and done the paramedics reccomened she go get an xray on her foot and the police officer gave her a case number... he than said "this is a rotten thing to happen just a week before christmas."  I quickly rebuttled "no it's not. It is such a blessing. It is such a blessing that something much worse did not happen...."

I know I am not always as sensitive as I should be and these words may or may not have been welcomed words... but I begin with this story because this is how I feel this Christmas season. Will and I have had a very magical season. And it isn't magical because we were welcomed into a PA school-- because we were not. It isn't magical because we got a job, we have not.  It's magical because our situation is not much worse. It's a blessing that Will is alive, that we have Ben. That we are together and unified. Our family is well, our finances are stable, and we feel warmth from the angels/family/friends who surround us.  In the past few weeks we have visited a few care facilities to bring them Christmas goodies. One person in particular, who we visited was a 20 something girl who could not move her arms or legs--- actually I don't know if she had arms or legs her body was covered by a sheet.  To communicate she used a microphone attached to her head, and a computer that sensed the movement of her face.  I don't know how she ended up like this but I imagine we can realize that no matter what situation we are in... things could be much worse--- that we really are blessed beyond measure. Take this season to count your blessings. Take this very moment to write them down. You will find much more to write than you ever expected. The Lord is great. He loves us and protects us. Be thankful for your life this season and for those you love!

The Wind Storm

This Sunday was a little unusual. After church a couple of young men came to our door asking for fast offerings (donations we give once a month to our church). This was unusual because normally they come on the first Sunday every month. This time was different, however, because last Sunday, the first Sunday, our entire congregation was out doing something else.

What were we doing? Well, last week we had a terrible wind storm come through on Thursday and another one was predicted for Sunday evening. Because the storm was so terrible many trees here in Bountiful and throughout Davis county were blown over. Also the power was out for lots of people including us for at least a day and others had it out for longer. Because it was supposed to be windy again last Sunday night we spent a lot of time trying to be a little more prepaired for the storm. This meant getting rid of the trees that had fallen during Thursday's storm or at least tying them down so the wind couldn't blow the branches into other peoples houses.

One of the trees that blew over was a tree in my parents front yard. It was a massive tree and required a lot of work to get it cut up and moved out. Fortunately my parents had a lot of help both from neighbors and from the city as well as from us.

Its kind of sad now that the tree is gone. I think it was kind of a landmark of my parents property. But having said that I think the property will be fine including the place were the tree once stood. I'm not sure what they are going to do, maybe just flatten the area out and plant grass, or possible plant a new tree. I don't think it really matters. I guess, in a way, I'm kind of like the yard with that tree. Unfortunately a stroke was my windstorm and knocked my tree down flat. Fortunately, however, I've had a lot of help getting the old tree out and making room for a new tree to grow. I hope and pray that it will.

What if...

For the past year I've been hoping to catch even just a glimse of what happened with Gabrielle Giffords. Just thinking about the sequences of pain, loss, and anger that she must be cycling through at having her very identity taken away or all of the sudden changed by a freak accident/incident.  You can't imagine how long it has taken Will to begin to accept that one day he was a doctor and the next he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or which part of the heart pumped out blood and which part let it in.  For Giffords,  I think some of her heightened deficits are the reasons the press was kept from her for so long. Because when you build it up in your mind as - she'll be back to her old self-- than she can return to her career or position in society as her "old self."

I sometimes wonder if we let Will "free" to the "press" too soon. If the first impressions doctors had of him when he returned for his trial rotation was their final impression-- that he couldn't possibly cross back to who he was. When we took Will to Ohio to be assessed I rehearsed with him pictures and names of his associates there-- so he could come across as being more competent. Now if we were to return I wouldn't reherse names with him.  I wouldn't have to rehearse anything with him. When we talk now - he reminds me of dates and names. He explains medical information to me in detail and with great interest. If we had waited and "released" Will this year (instead of two years ago) would we have had more of a chance?

While I didn't see Giffords entire interview-- I saw parts of it. Giffords is unable to speak in full sentences. She is also unable to walk on her own. She was definitely different.  People kept talking about a return to her position in office. But I think that was for show. I assume she and the rest of the crew knows, it's too soon to tell.  In the meantime, Giffords was beaming. She was funny. She was strong. Gabby walks with a limp- but she walks tall.

A few of Will's brothers and sisters gathered to play ultimate frisbee Thanksgiving Day 

Reconcile

So I have a thing. We have to eek out at least two blog posts a month.  But for me it's a lot less eeking cause I have a thing for writing. For Will-- he is fine with it but it's not as much his thing.... Why am I telling you this...We're late on this post and you might hear from me a few times in a row in the next week.

We have good excuses for being late on our posts.  We moved. Will was in Ohio for a little bit and we were unable to leave our beds this last week cause we had a nasty case of stomach flu. The logical thing would be to tell you the details-- why we moved, why Will was in Ohio and the details to the stomach flu-just kidding I'll spare you those details.  But you know me-- Will's in the details, I'm in the stories. So Hold tight and Will will tell you about his interview with a PA school in Ohio.  Our move is complicated but it's having to do with selling the condo I own - maybe Will will tell you more about that too.

It is because of the above mentioned experiences in our life-- that I feel like the pressure is building. The pressure to get results, the pressure to move on with our lives, to find a way to not live in a box in my parents backyard the rest of our life. It was really weird marrying Will and knowing that our earning potential may be a dr.'s wage or may be quite a different wage.  As it goes medical school debt really only makes sense on a dr's wage. So how do you reconcile the bills. I believe it has a lot more to do with living what you know than it does with how much money you make. In the end, it really doesn't matter if we make $$ or $$$, it matters how we lived. So I think the best way to reconcile is to be OK with who you are at the moment, doing the very best to make the person in the next moment proud of the person in the prior moment.

Will in Ohio at his interview