Endure:To withstand with courage

What a simple definition. I have to admit having had quite a bit different impression of the word. I pictured pioneers pulling handcarts across snow covered plains without shoes. I pictured my grandma seven years into a debilitating illness- wondering if she would ever be relieved of the pain and shaking. I never, however, pictured it the way it was defined by President Thomas S. Monson this weekend at a Young Women's General Conference. For the first time the word Endure- meant something more powerful to me instead of something more difficult and sad. The term is now becoming something I can put my heart into. My arms around. I can ask myself in the midst of a "great trial" or even a "small trial" - do I feel courageous right now? Am I acting with courage? Or am I merely just muttling through just waiting for the hard times to end.  I confess to the latter more often than I am comfortable with admitting.

My sister asked me last week to come up with something I could do better. As I listed the first thing that came to my mind, she quickly put down my idea - as it was a put down, sounding of defeat.  She said-- "That can't possibly be it-- your Heavenly Father would not encourage you with a feeling of failure. Those thoughts are coming from the adversary. Try again." The next time I thought of something I really wanted to change.  I thought of a goal I could accomplish. I had a glimpse of myself changing- becoming better. Feeling better.  I guess you could say, feeling courageous. I've determined after my brief 33.5 years here on this earth that life is riddled with trial and human weakness.  And not because it is our doom or destiny to live a life of sorrow. It is so we can prove our courage. That we can rise above. And that through the strength of the being who created us- we will rise above. My classic example is my dear husband. He has and continues to withstand with courage. I am inspired by his faith and courage. And when I look into our child's eyes I can only believe that our moving through this experience together is the greatest experience I could ask for, and it is not tarnished with sadness but joy.  The kind of joy that makes you believe.  That gives you more courage.

As for our lives, things are crazy around here. Ben is climbing up ladders and on tables, and in drawers. Will is gone 88.9 percent of his waking hours to the library. I am emerging triumphantly from my first trimester of pregnancy! I practically lived in my bed for two months-- it feels nice to be able to get out and go places now :) We're probably going to move in the next month, and the week after that Will is going to take Step 3 of the boards. Lots of great things in our future. So keep with us!

Summer

ps I can't help but leave you with a visual example of the title of this post. Check out this Link.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part is when no one is looking, when no one knows, when things are in the early development stages…. Where failure and success seem equally matched.  Where you are the one that determines how you will deal with the situation. No one cheering you on, no one on board with your successes and accomplishments, because they are only seeds in your mind…. instead of creations built by years of trial and error.

I hope this analogy wasn't too vague. I hope that you can connect with the feeling of loneliness in trial.  Like so much can be broken because things are in the fetal stages. For most women the first 13 weeks of their pregnancy is their hardest. The baby is in such a premature developmental stage many women tell no one, because of increased fears of miscarriage.  They experience intense tiredness, nauseousness, weakness, discomfort-- all with little support, and little sympathy.  I have felt scared and alone the last few months. I want this baby I carry. I want to be a strong mother. I want Ben to have a little brother or sister. But so much has been unknown and"hidden" from the world. And finally now-- my "successes" are starting to show. My pants are fitting tighter and my belly bump is quite prominent.

I feel like Will is in his "first trimester" aka development stage. His successes are only seeds in our minds-- but they are real. Because so little has been shown publicly it is harder--- his situation is harder. More doubt, and fear can creep in, more room for failure because there is still so far to go.  I think though, the hardest part is essential for the appropriate development of the whole. Our baby will come with pain and trial-- but will be stronger because of this critical development time. Will is going to be stronger. And while no one is watching right now and he has little support I know his seeds will grow to be something even better than ever thought possible, because he has persisted through the hardest part - the alone part- and he is stronger for it.

My (Will's) thoughts: 

Its hard to put my thoughts in writing.  Briefly, I want to say that I look forward to having a new child in the home.  It will be born in mid September, shortly before Ben's second birthday.  In the meantime, I will be pushing forward and hopefully moving back to being a doctor.  This includes taking a test in May, and then, if that goes well, interviewing at different hospitals for an internship.  That is the hard part, but I know that through diligent hard work even the most difficult things are possible.  So I am looking forward, forward to a new beautiful baby and to a bright promising future.