Roles

I want to talk for a minute about gender roles; and when I say gender roles I don't mean boys shouldn't cook and girls shouldn't play soccer. I'm talking about something that goes way back. I'm talking about the man who went out into the forest to hunt beasts, while his wife stayed at home and nourished the children. Physically and emotionally we are hardwired for certain roles. My son hardly notices when his younger brother is crying, but the minute my newborn spills a tear my niece, who is 18 months old, is so concerned. You're probably wondering what gender roles has to do with Will's recovery. Sitting in year five from the recovery -- I'm going to tell you it has a lot to do with it. If this would have happened to me, "a stay at home mom" the drama from the injury would have probably burned off about year two. The injury would only rear it's ugly head every once in a while after that. For Will, however, it is so much more difficult. He is hard wired to want to provide for me and the children. His identity is on the line. He said to me the other day… "I just don't know when this will be over…" I quickly recoiled with "It is over-- you're memory is back- your planning and functioning is restored. It's a miracle!"  I've learned, though, no matter what I say- until he can fulfill his provider role - he will never really feel complete. Society is also married to theses roles. I can't tell you how many new conversations start with "what does your husband do?"

I'm not putting down gender roles. I am especially not putting down roles we play in the family. I am so glad we have them. I am so much more complete as a mother and wife than I ever was as a single woman. I know Will  is happy as a father and husband, but he still feels the weight of the world whenever it comes to providing for the family. I can't take that away-- I wish I could. I'm glad he feels so strongly about his role and pray everyday that his desire can be filled. I am grateful, we can both work during the night so we can both work towards our more important roles during the day. Will in his strong desire to return to medicine in some form or another and my strong desires to raise children who love the Lord.

On this final note I want to wish you a Merry Christmas! I want to acknowledge the Saviors crucial role in the fabric of our society. In doing so I'll reference one of my favorite Christmas carols. The songwriter was inspired by the true story of a solider who had been injured in the civil war, and had recently lost his wife due to an accidental fire.

I heard the bells on Christmas day-- "there is no peace on earth," I said; 

For hate is strong and mocks the song 

Of peace on earth, good will towards towards man. 

Then Pealed the bells more loud and deep

'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The Wrong shall fail

The Right prevail

With peace on earth, good-will to men"

I know feeling and having peace at this time, when so much is wrong in the world, is only possible because of our Lord and Savior. This Christmas Season I praise Him for His lowly birth and infinite atoning sacrifice.

Clarity

My dear friend's mother is currently recovering from a hemorrhage in her brain. Everything is so new for their family. Everything is so unknown. When I read about her recovery, I can see with renewed clarity my husband's earlier recovery. The things that really bothered me at first - don't really even seem like issues now. I would get so frustrated, for example, when I would tell him something and then an hour later it is like the conversation never happened. I put pressure on him (aka myself) to make him all better. I pushed him and at times lectured him to work on his memory or executive function or planning. Sometimes this pushing lead to disagreements and ended with us in tears. Often it seemed like, the very next day the cycle would repeat itself "Will I told you to work on this..." or "Will we talked about this…" I guess I'm saying these things for a few reasons. First, I found out really quick that as powerful as individual my husband or I am- you can't rush recovery. You shouldn't rush it either. Secondly, you can help recovery. As I watch my friend's family struggle, I pray that they might know that it's only a moment in time. That the best way to help a recovery is not push it- but support it.

When I was really negative about how things were going- Will's recovery seemed to slow down. But when I was positive and reassuring-- things seemed to pick up. I think these are really good principles to live by even if you're not recovering from a stroke. There is nothing a bad mood won't make worse. I believe faith is such an integral part of the scriptures for this very reason: If we believe and then act upon these beliefs the Lord can and will support us in our trials. But if we lack faith than he cannot bless us with those things we desperately need. I wish having faith was a lot easier than it is. It is so much easier to give into doubt and disbelief. Easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to love yourself. Rising up and believing against the odds have brought me more blessings in my life than I can count. I love my Savior. I love Him for all that He has given me. I love my husband for the faith he shows everyday in the face of such difficult times. And of course I can't help but count my other two great blessings, Ben and James. They are my everything. These are truly great times.