Fear not, Stand Still

There is a passage in Exodus where, following a period of slavery and afflictions the Israelites were granted their freedom and they marched out of Egypt. In a change of heart the Pharaoh then decides he wants them back and just as the children of Israel reach the shores of the Red Sea they lift up their eyes and behold the Egyptian Army and they "were sore afraid." I relate this passage of scripture to you because it is the best way I have to describe some of the moments Will and I have had in the past week. We have "waded through much affliction" and felt as if our "freedom from physical disability" was at hand. We hoped that the doctors here in Ohio would see Will's amazing progress and grant him passage to their residency (on the grounds that he would return to full health by July). When the email came that this would not be the case, my heart broke. Thinking of Will's disappointment, our medical school debt, what we could do instead, how we'll ever be able to have a family we could support, etc. Fear and doubt overtook me. I cried for hours, then later when I picked Will up from the hospital we wept together.

I am sure you all have many of the same questions I do, and you're hoping for answers in this blog post, but unfortunately I can't give you many answers right now. I guess this just gives you incentive to continue to follow this blog for awhile longer ;) I'm sure we will look for intermediary job opportunities and a few refresher courses at a third year/fourth year medical student level will probably be required. The new plan will be to apply for a residency a year from now. To assist in the repairing of our broken hearts, we will not be returning to Utah yet. I've always wanted to spend time in the East Coast. We'll visit my brother in Georgia, some friends in Washington DC and Will's sister in New York.

I want to leave you with the assurance that I know God lives. Just as Moses then stood before his people and said "Fear ye not, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord" and the Read Sea parted, so shall Will and I continue to see miracles. In the meantime we will be graced with "compensating blessings." Thank you again for following our saga. We love you and appreciate all you do for us. Our love for the people who have and continue to assist in Will's recovery continues to grow, specifically at this time for those here in Ohio. I had the opportunity to meet with a few of Will's first responders yesterday. I hope they know of our great appreciation.

ps I promise to relate more of the specific experiences Will had at the hospital and the feedback we received from them in the next blog. It became apparent in his rounds Will still needs to recover more, but if granted this growth he has great potential to be an extraordinary doctor.

pps above is a picture of Will in front of Riverside Hospital, the place where he was doing an observorship for the last two weeks. Below You'll also see Will dressed as a doctor for a ward Halloween party. And our attendance at the "Pumkin Festival" in Circleville. It was around five full blocks of fried food, princesses and pumpkins. ppps see if you can spot Will in the picture with the pumpkin tower ;)

The Return to Ohio

After Will's stroke, he came back to Utah very lost. On top of the deficits caused by the stroke, Will never quite understood what he was lacking "abilities wise." Only a month after Will came back after his stroke Will's dad asked him "If you could do anything right now what would it be" Will said "I'd get in my car and drive back to Ohio." As far as Will could understand one day he woke up and "Ohio" was gone. His life's work, his studies, his friends and medical associates. So with this in mind his desire to come back to Ohio and begin again a "normal life" has always been strong.

Now that we are here, two worlds have finally come together for Will. The world in Utah where we met and married, and now Will's profession, also a great love of his. Will's spirits are high, and what I can tell, he has been well received among work associates and friends. I have only had the opportunity to witness a few of these reunions-- mostly at church. Will saw a friend Sunday, Chad who is a practicing neurologist, who had no idea Will was back in town. When Chad saw him at church he just stood and stared. It took him a minute to resolve in his mind how far Will had come since the stroke. He couldn't believe the progress. Once he caught his breath he bombarded Will with questions about the stroke and Will answered clearly and confidently. He then said "you're the old Will alright." I imagine there have been similar reunions at his former "residency hospital," Riverside Methodist Hospital, where Will has been doing an "Observer ship" for the past three days. Everyday he comes home with a smile on his face. The 10 hour days do not tire him nor do they yet require him to "do more than he can do." My guess is that this experience will challenge him but that he will rise to the challenge. I have spent the last year and a half watching Will take on each new challenge and surprise all around him with abilities we worried he would not have. I remember a month and a half after he came home we went swimming together-- I was worried the moment we jumped into the deep side of the pool that he would sink-- that he'd forget how to breath or preform the strokes necessary-- My fears were put to rest when he beat me to the other side of the pool.

We are very grateful for this invaluable experience in Ohio. We don't know for how long we will be here, or if we'll get to return here in July for Will's residency (although this is Will's greatest hope), however this experience will be the "proof" we need to give Will his life back. I'd be smiling everyday too if I were him. Indeed he is very glad to be back.

ps above I've posted two pictures one of Will on his favorite bike riding trail in Ohio along the Olentangy River, and then of us conversing with my brothers and sisters in different states over the internet.

A million times a day

I've been reading "Stroke of Insight" a book written by Jill Bolte Taylor. She is a brain scientist who experienced a massive stroke at 37 years old when a blood vessel exploded in the left side of her brain. You can imagine the amount of physical/mental change that happened to her in that moment. A change that would take eight years to recover what was lost. She lost her ability to walk, speak and especially read. None of it came back in a day, but it all came back -- and she now tours the country as a brain scientist with a special message to share about the brain. Like Will, she does not feel like she lost anything from having had the stroke (hence the title of her book). She emphasizes that there is full and complete recovery after a stroke, and the only reason people stop recovering is because they stop trying...

This brings me to the topic of this blog entry. There is a phrase in her book that rings very true to me. "Recovery was a decision I had to make a million times a day." She not only was lacking the appropriate physical/mental abilities to reengage at the levels she needed to resume a "normal life" she had also lost the desire to do so. She talks about what it feels like to live in her "uninjured right brain" to have no cares, simply to live in a world of ecstatic bliss- she lost all desire to return to the complicated and at times "angry" world. For Will the "recovery goals" like Jill Bolte were superficial at times. "What was the point." Will said to me, a couple months after his stroke with tears flowing freely "what does it matter I'm not ever going to be a doctor again anyways." Many times in a stroke recovery the "caregiver" at first has the responsibility to set their goals for the stroke victim and help them realize what they are missing. After time their abilities return and the victim of a stroke can take that responsibility.

Will has been taking on a tremendous amount of responsibility lately. It is sooo exciting to have him step up to the plate and take over bills, budgeting and more complicated tasks. He is often found multi-tasking, jumping from one activity to the next without reminder. And when things get difficult-- I remind him "This is a decision you have to make a million times a day -- push through it." We know we'll make it through, and Will is going to practice medicine once again.

Speaking of practicing medicine, we're currently at another bend in Will's return to full recovery-- Will begins his trial rotations next week. We left Utah Monday morning and arrived in Ohio Tuesday night. We let go of Utah's towering mountain tops,but welcomed Columbus' majestic autumn terrain. I love it here!! Above are photos of Will in front of the apartment where he lived when he had the stroke and him standing in front of a nearby river. I've also posted a picture of Will and I playing Ultimate Frisbee in Bear Lake with my Family two weeks ago. Thank you for all of your support and prayers and stay tuned -- I'm sure I'll have a lot to blog about in the coming weeks ;)

Amazing Grace

The video below was a wedding present I made for William back in December. I wanted to share it with those following this blog, for if you're still with us you have become a part of our story. I created the video hoping to capture a glimpse of what I feel. For you see our story did not start the night Will had a life threatening stroke in which he was found around 13 hours later unconscious in bed. Our story started years before that. For me it started when I was 14 and attended a youth dance, in which no one asked me to dance. I cried for hours afterwords. I worried I wasn't good enough or pretty enough, that I could not be loved. My greatest desire in life has always been to have a family of my own. A good family.

As I entered my early twenties, many of my close friends were joining hands and hearts with their future companions, however my hope was not realized and again my heart broke. Meanwhile, Will was facing challenges of his own. Will's sister found Will one night in tears feeling that he would not be able to afford medical school or get into the school he wanted. Those fears became a reality when he was not accepted to U of U's medical school that year. Will's dream of becoming a doctor was taken from him (for a time). It was around this point I met Will. We quickly became friends but nothing more as Will was working toward being accepted to other medical schools. I remember being disappointed when I heard he would be moving to Ohio - I sent him with a "travel care package" and wished him luck thinking the next time I would hear from him is when he needed my address to send me his wedding invitation. Gratefully, however, this was not his next contact. We dated on and off through these years and then talked about joining hearts and hands-- when the time to decide came we again shed tears, as a long distant relationship was not in the plans. Will returned to Ohio. We picked up the pieces of our lives and moved on.

It wasn't over night that I was able to rise above the fears of the present moments and muster the courage to start my own career and buy a home of my own, but in the Lord's amazing grace-- he brought me peace every time I fell. He did the same for Will who was required to balance a demanding medical school schedule with teaching/serving more than 100 members in his church calling as Elder's Quorum President. He lifted Will and I and made it possible for us to have what I now call "compensating blessings." The images you'll see in the video reflect the years Will and I spent "alone" trying to create a life that would be acceptable before our Heavenly Father. However, we were rarely alone as you can see the people in video are and continue to be our amazing grace. Our parents, our brothers, our sisters, our nieces, our nephews and our friends carried us through times we felt we could go no further.

Since returning home from Ohio to recover from his stroke, Will and I have spent little time apart for the Lord mended what was broken. And while over the past year we have stood and continue to stand at the crossroads of losing "our dream" of Will becoming a doctor and my becoming the mother of a wonderful family, the Lord has promised good to us. With God's unending love we'll make it. For in this is God's Amazing Grace - "how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me..."