The Hardest Part

The hardest part is when no one is looking, when no one knows, when things are in the early development stages…. Where failure and success seem equally matched.  Where you are the one that determines how you will deal with the situation. No one cheering you on, no one on board with your successes and accomplishments, because they are only seeds in your mind…. instead of creations built by years of trial and error.

I hope this analogy wasn't too vague. I hope that you can connect with the feeling of loneliness in trial.  Like so much can be broken because things are in the fetal stages. For most women the first 13 weeks of their pregnancy is their hardest. The baby is in such a premature developmental stage many women tell no one, because of increased fears of miscarriage.  They experience intense tiredness, nauseousness, weakness, discomfort-- all with little support, and little sympathy.  I have felt scared and alone the last few months. I want this baby I carry. I want to be a strong mother. I want Ben to have a little brother or sister. But so much has been unknown and"hidden" from the world. And finally now-- my "successes" are starting to show. My pants are fitting tighter and my belly bump is quite prominent.

I feel like Will is in his "first trimester" aka development stage. His successes are only seeds in our minds-- but they are real. Because so little has been shown publicly it is harder--- his situation is harder. More doubt, and fear can creep in, more room for failure because there is still so far to go.  I think though, the hardest part is essential for the appropriate development of the whole. Our baby will come with pain and trial-- but will be stronger because of this critical development time. Will is going to be stronger. And while no one is watching right now and he has little support I know his seeds will grow to be something even better than ever thought possible, because he has persisted through the hardest part - the alone part- and he is stronger for it.

My (Will's) thoughts: 

Its hard to put my thoughts in writing.  Briefly, I want to say that I look forward to having a new child in the home.  It will be born in mid September, shortly before Ben's second birthday.  In the meantime, I will be pushing forward and hopefully moving back to being a doctor.  This includes taking a test in May, and then, if that goes well, interviewing at different hospitals for an internship.  That is the hard part, but I know that through diligent hard work even the most difficult things are possible.  So I am looking forward, forward to a new beautiful baby and to a bright promising future.