It happened last night

Will and I were leaving after a mormon tabernacle choir preformance, where Jane Seymour was the guest artist who told stories of King Wenceslas.  As we were filtering out of the conference center with about 21,000 others, we made our way towards our parked car. After crossing in front of Mrs. Seymour's limo and thanking her for the preformance we proceeded to cross the street. At which point we heard a "Pow." Not a crash like metal on metal -- but a "Pow" like body on metal. We raced over to find two people rising from the ground. The driver apologizing than hurrying off in her SUV. The couple hobbled to the sidewalk where the girl had to sit down--  she said her ankle hurt. Of course as more time passed her ankle started to hurt even more and an ambulance was called. Will and I sat with the couple for about 30 minutes in the below freezing weather. We held her when she cried and laughed with her over her embarrasment of the scene. When all was said and done the paramedics reccomened she go get an xray on her foot and the police officer gave her a case number... he than said "this is a rotten thing to happen just a week before christmas."  I quickly rebuttled "no it's not. It is such a blessing. It is such a blessing that something much worse did not happen...."

I know I am not always as sensitive as I should be and these words may or may not have been welcomed words... but I begin with this story because this is how I feel this Christmas season. Will and I have had a very magical season. And it isn't magical because we were welcomed into a PA school-- because we were not. It isn't magical because we got a job, we have not.  It's magical because our situation is not much worse. It's a blessing that Will is alive, that we have Ben. That we are together and unified. Our family is well, our finances are stable, and we feel warmth from the angels/family/friends who surround us.  In the past few weeks we have visited a few care facilities to bring them Christmas goodies. One person in particular, who we visited was a 20 something girl who could not move her arms or legs--- actually I don't know if she had arms or legs her body was covered by a sheet.  To communicate she used a microphone attached to her head, and a computer that sensed the movement of her face.  I don't know how she ended up like this but I imagine we can realize that no matter what situation we are in... things could be much worse--- that we really are blessed beyond measure. Take this season to count your blessings. Take this very moment to write them down. You will find much more to write than you ever expected. The Lord is great. He loves us and protects us. Be thankful for your life this season and for those you love!

The Wind Storm

This Sunday was a little unusual. After church a couple of young men came to our door asking for fast offerings (donations we give once a month to our church). This was unusual because normally they come on the first Sunday every month. This time was different, however, because last Sunday, the first Sunday, our entire congregation was out doing something else.

What were we doing? Well, last week we had a terrible wind storm come through on Thursday and another one was predicted for Sunday evening. Because the storm was so terrible many trees here in Bountiful and throughout Davis county were blown over. Also the power was out for lots of people including us for at least a day and others had it out for longer. Because it was supposed to be windy again last Sunday night we spent a lot of time trying to be a little more prepaired for the storm. This meant getting rid of the trees that had fallen during Thursday's storm or at least tying them down so the wind couldn't blow the branches into other peoples houses.

One of the trees that blew over was a tree in my parents front yard. It was a massive tree and required a lot of work to get it cut up and moved out. Fortunately my parents had a lot of help both from neighbors and from the city as well as from us.

Its kind of sad now that the tree is gone. I think it was kind of a landmark of my parents property. But having said that I think the property will be fine including the place were the tree once stood. I'm not sure what they are going to do, maybe just flatten the area out and plant grass, or possible plant a new tree. I don't think it really matters. I guess, in a way, I'm kind of like the yard with that tree. Unfortunately a stroke was my windstorm and knocked my tree down flat. Fortunately, however, I've had a lot of help getting the old tree out and making room for a new tree to grow. I hope and pray that it will.

What if...

For the past year I've been hoping to catch even just a glimse of what happened with Gabrielle Giffords. Just thinking about the sequences of pain, loss, and anger that she must be cycling through at having her very identity taken away or all of the sudden changed by a freak accident/incident.  You can't imagine how long it has taken Will to begin to accept that one day he was a doctor and the next he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast or which part of the heart pumped out blood and which part let it in.  For Giffords,  I think some of her heightened deficits are the reasons the press was kept from her for so long. Because when you build it up in your mind as - she'll be back to her old self-- than she can return to her career or position in society as her "old self."

I sometimes wonder if we let Will "free" to the "press" too soon. If the first impressions doctors had of him when he returned for his trial rotation was their final impression-- that he couldn't possibly cross back to who he was. When we took Will to Ohio to be assessed I rehearsed with him pictures and names of his associates there-- so he could come across as being more competent. Now if we were to return I wouldn't reherse names with him.  I wouldn't have to rehearse anything with him. When we talk now - he reminds me of dates and names. He explains medical information to me in detail and with great interest. If we had waited and "released" Will this year (instead of two years ago) would we have had more of a chance?

While I didn't see Giffords entire interview-- I saw parts of it. Giffords is unable to speak in full sentences. She is also unable to walk on her own. She was definitely different.  People kept talking about a return to her position in office. But I think that was for show. I assume she and the rest of the crew knows, it's too soon to tell.  In the meantime, Giffords was beaming. She was funny. She was strong. Gabby walks with a limp- but she walks tall.

A few of Will's brothers and sisters gathered to play ultimate frisbee Thanksgiving Day 

Reconcile

So I have a thing. We have to eek out at least two blog posts a month.  But for me it's a lot less eeking cause I have a thing for writing. For Will-- he is fine with it but it's not as much his thing.... Why am I telling you this...We're late on this post and you might hear from me a few times in a row in the next week.

We have good excuses for being late on our posts.  We moved. Will was in Ohio for a little bit and we were unable to leave our beds this last week cause we had a nasty case of stomach flu. The logical thing would be to tell you the details-- why we moved, why Will was in Ohio and the details to the stomach flu-just kidding I'll spare you those details.  But you know me-- Will's in the details, I'm in the stories. So Hold tight and Will will tell you about his interview with a PA school in Ohio.  Our move is complicated but it's having to do with selling the condo I own - maybe Will will tell you more about that too.

It is because of the above mentioned experiences in our life-- that I feel like the pressure is building. The pressure to get results, the pressure to move on with our lives, to find a way to not live in a box in my parents backyard the rest of our life. It was really weird marrying Will and knowing that our earning potential may be a dr.'s wage or may be quite a different wage.  As it goes medical school debt really only makes sense on a dr's wage. So how do you reconcile the bills. I believe it has a lot more to do with living what you know than it does with how much money you make. In the end, it really doesn't matter if we make $$ or $$$, it matters how we lived. So I think the best way to reconcile is to be OK with who you are at the moment, doing the very best to make the person in the next moment proud of the person in the prior moment.

Will in Ohio at his interview

The Good

Ben is learning sign language through a popular video series called "Signing Times."  The videos were created as a response a mother had when she found out her one-year-old baby girl was deaf. In one of her songs on the video it talks about: Starting out with dreams then having fear overtake her (I'm assuming when she found out her little girl was deaf) and then looking to her hands and her "fear slipped away." The chorus goes onto say "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good." As the song continues images of a father and mother holding one another than playing with their child who is severely handicap roll on the screen. These types of hard times are ones that "never get better."  My heart aches when I think of how difficult it must be for some people who live with or love someone who has a lifetime disability or a lifetime trial. They will never have it "easy" -- but is that what it is about? Finding the easiest path?  One without heartbreak, one without sadness and even at times anger?

Listening to this song I can't help to wonder - how many people relate to the message the composer is sharing here "So maybe we won't find easy, but Baby we've found the good?" How many people relate to what it feels like to have found the "why or how" beyond their trial...that something that makes you more powerful- or in other words "more good."

Don't get me wrong-- heartbreak, sadness and anger of themselves do not automatically breed "good"-- it only has the potential to.  In the song the author had to look to her hands and move forward.  Then only later did her fear slip away and her "...hands(sign language) did so much more" for so many more people- than just her daughter.

My challenge is for those in the sound of this blog post to look deeper.  To feel deeper. Anger, sadness, and heartbreak don't have to make us worse... it can make us better.  Let the hard move you to do better-- let the pain push you to greater compassion, greater forgiveness...and not greater fear or anger or sadness, and I promise by doing this you'll find the good.

End of the season

Well, its not really the end of the summer, summer ended about a month ago, but its about to get cold out and then we'll be doing inside stuff for a while.  I suppose in a way thats sort of like my life right now.  Although, in my case I had to move the party inside about three and a half years ago.  Having said all that I would like to remind everybody that I was born in December and I got married in December.  There are some real blessings to be had, even in the dark, cold times of the year.  Plus spring always follows winter so there is always hope on the horizon.  I will just continue plugging forward.  Spring will come no matter how long or hard the winter is.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I think I will talk about some happier things that have happened at the end of the season.  One was a hike near Provo that I took with my wife and my Mom's side of the family including my Grandpa.  It was a lot of fun, and, thankfully, all down hill.  Little Benjamin might grow up to love hiking, but right now he can't sleep to well in the backpack so I think we'll have to keep our hikes short for his sake.  Despite his displeasure with the last mile or so of the hike I think he and the rest of us enjoyed the trip quite a bit.

Another good thing that has happened recently is the engagement of my little sister Sarah.  We are both very happy for her and hope the best for her and her fiance Paul.  

The last thing I'll write about is Benjamin's birthday.  He turned one almost a month ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but I guess it is.  In any case we had a party for him which included a delicious elephant cake.  He also got a number of toys to play with and I think he came off pretty well.  I am glad, however, that this sort of thing only has to be done once a year.  Ben's first year video is on youtube. Visit it if you'e like.  It does not have the original music my wife included with the video--but we added something youtube was ok with. 

Waiting

I remember it like it was yesterday, only it wasn't yesterday.  It was a year and a little over nine months ago. Will and I returned from our trip from Ohio, and we decided it was time to have a child. I was comforted in thinking... "it will be at least nine months before a baby is born -- plenty of time for Will to secure a job. I mean it makes sense... he has a graduate degree, he is functioning at higher levels than many others.  We can do this, we will be able to move on and afford a baby..." As we all know many things do not always work out as planned. Will spent many months looking for jobs, and interviewing at jobs. He was overqualified and underqualified for all the jobs we tried to get. He had spent the last eight years training for one thing... to be a doctor... so when it came to getting a job as simple as even a lab technician he did not have enough lab experince. Even though it has been three and a half years since the stroke, a marriage and a one year old later, we are still waiting.

The other day my sister said to me "I don't think my husband could do what Will is doing..." she was referring to how much time Will has to himself. I instantly cringed thinking... "he doesn't have a choice, he didn''t plan this nor does he want this but for some reason beyond our understanding he has to wait." However, as we have learned we can't always plan our future, and we don't always have a choice with what happens to us. We do, however, have a choice on how we are going to react to hard times when they come. I know I chose to marry Will, partly for how he chose to live before his stroke, but what sealed the deal was seeing how he chose to live after the stroke (serving, exercising, volunteering, studying, doing medical research, etc...).  I love him more everyday for his choices.  I also love him for choosing not to wait to bring Ben into the world. What a blessing he is in our lives. And as for Will and his future, I know that good things will come to Will who waits.

The Last Battle

What I have been thinking about lately I am not qualified to write about, but will only touch on.  I am not sure what inspired C.S.Lewis to think so much about the afterlife and so much about death… but the connections to these topics in his writing, specifically in the Chronicles of Narnia - are unmistakable. Will and I are on the very last book in the series "The Last Battle" and there are plenty of references to the Garden of Eden and partaking of the fruit (at the right time - not before the probationary period of life is over). There are also references to the Lion/Savior- who redeems all. My favorite references are those of the passing from one life to the next. The peace a true follower of "Aslan" (AKA the Savior) feels as he/she passes on. The power and beauty of returning to the one who began it all, and served and loved you throughout your life.

The reason I am not qualified to write on this topic is, I have not experienced it first hand. I haven't been the one who lost someone so close to me that I had to stop "living" myself for awhile while I recovered from the loss. I am however, attached to the theme - at times I feel like I have had a very unhealthy relationship with loss- or the fear of loss. I won't bore you with details of a teenager who would struggle to fall asleep and be in tears in her parents bedroom in the wee hours of the morning telling them never to die.  I was so afraid of losing them. I was afraid of losing anyone close to me. I didn't think I could do it. I guess I wanted to touch on this subject today because I am starting to understand that living in fear of something (in this case death) is no way to live. Especially because having a knowledge of the next life and what might await us there, should leave us with a strong desire to return home to the creator of us all when the time is right (not partaking of the fruit too soon).  I know those who read my words are not all of my faith, but imagine that you- sense something greater. I also imagine you have had times in your life when you have felt the love of God- and with that love you have been set free from fear and pain.  Keep seeking him who created you- you will feel faith and not fear as you do.

As for Will and I, we are good.  He continues to long for a return of his livelihood. As he coached our son up the stairs last night Will ached as Ben stopped halfway up- too afraid to continue to the top. He cried and reached  for Will - but Will did not reach back he only waited for Ben to muster the courage to make it all the way to the top-- Will later told me that Ben did make it to the top-- and that he longs for the day that he too makes it to the top.  I think he'll make it… What do you think?

p.s. If you are interested in learning more about our faith, and answers to questions like- What happens to us after we die. What about those, like some children, who die before they are baptized. Will they not be saved? Check out this video… you will never regret taking the time to watch it ;)

Camping

Earlier in the summer we had the opportunity to go camping twice in the span of two weekends. It was fun, especially since we had Ben, a newcomer to the whole camping experience. I like camping, its a good way to get away from it all and just relax.

The first place we went to was in Northern Utah, north of Layton where we live. That time we went with Summer's older brother Dale and his family. I say we went camping, but I should add that it wasn't real rough camping. We had a pool there and four-wheelers so it wasn't quite roughing it. We did, however, lose a frisbee in the weeds across the stream so it wasn't totally like we weren't camping. We also went to the Martin Harris pageant which was nearby.

The other place we went the following week was near midway. It was right by a golf course, but it actually wasn't quite as fancy as the first place we went to--no swimming pool. But, again, it was nicer than just finding a spot in the great outdoors. We had nice bathrooms and there were places to park RVs. This time we were with Summer's uncle and we again had a four-wheeler. Besides going on a four-wheel excursion in which we ended up helping a stranded motorist with a flat, we also went to the lake and did some kayaking. We came on a Friday and on Saturday lots of other relatives came over for a picnic lunch.

Now we've been back for quite some time and just doing normal things. One thing is I'm applying for Physicians Assistant school. It should be fun, if we get in. I got my picture taken for one of the applications.

Ben really wanted a picture too. Summer was of course glad to get it for him.

We also had a fun neighborhood party last weekend where this picture was taken.

Down to the Wire

Someone tell me that someday I will wake up and our future will not be one big question mark. Someone tell me that we won't have to hold our breath every time we apply for a desired position in school/residency/work/grant, hoping that someone will give us a chance.  Someone tell me that it's going to work out - that someone will see Will's potential and stop assuming that he can't or that you don't really ever fully recover from such a serious brain injury (unless it's 12-18months after the stroke). Sometimes it just seems so unfair. And by unfair I mean- sometimes I feel like all the effort and time to get Will somewhere he is happy-- somewhere he has already worked for more than eight years to get to (becoming a doctor)-- is just a waste. I get so frustrated sometimes.

Today's frustration is centered around physicians assistant school/grants.  It's not that we are there yet-- but we are a few days away from some critical deadlines, and things seems to be going wrong. The good news is that Will passed his summer courses. The bad news is that Will's teacher messed up a grade on his final and has to revise it before it goes on the transcript to be sent to CASPA (PA application center) and then mailed to the school of our choice.  This all has to happen in two weeks-- the deadline is Sept. 1st for our school of choice-- (U of U).  We get one shot at this and than we wait another year for another chance.  I don't know how much longer we can hold out…with looming medical school debt, a mortgage, a little person to care for and so on… we're down to the wire.  We need things to work out this year!

Reading through this post I can see that I'm experiencing woman brain-- clumping all my issues together and than expecting one solution or fix -- and of course that fix is someone else. Someone else has to give us a chance, we deserve better...  I know that this is not how things work. Will's recovery comes one solution at a time and no teacher or job or college or residency program can just fix it all. And even though it is frustrating waiting and hoping and holding our breath… I know that someday we will wake up and our life will not just be one big question mark-- I know we can do this and you can too…Whatever your question mark is-- you can too…

Summer Fun

Right now I'm gearing up for finals in the two classes I'm taking--Anatomy and Physiology. By the end of the week they will be behind me. Hopefully I will do well on the tests and they will help me get on with my life. In any event it is kind of nice to review the stuff I learned in medical school. But in reality, life isn't all tests and stuff, especially now that its summer. The summer is full of fun stuff to do and its especially fun when you have a wife and a little buzzard to do stuff with. Fortunately, I have both.

One of the fun things we did, actually this was just Summer (my wife) and I, was to go to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pioneer Day Commemoration concert. We went with my little brother and his date and the concert was titled "For Those Who Follow: A Tribute To Our Armed Forces". It was kind of a nice combination of Pioneer Day and Independence Day.

Another fun thing we did was go to a water park. Okay, it wasn't a water park, just a park with some fun water things for the kids. We took two of our nieces and Benjamin, of course, and had a wonderful time. The nieces loved it (in-fact they enjoyed it so much that they forgot there shoes when it was all over) and I think Benjamin had a good time too. Although he was a little afraid of the water.

Fortunately summer isn't over. Even after the tests are done I'm sure there will be plenty of fun things to do with the family.

Not the only one

About four months ago Faye, the daughter of a dear friend of mine, was diagnosed with a severe form of leukemia. A form that takes six months of chemotherapy-- with no real leave from the hospital.  Every time four year old Faye even breaths in some wrong air- she can and has caught infections, that have her hanging on for dear life. Her hair is gone, she has a bucket labeled the bucket of comfort-- for how nauseous the chemo makes her, and she is regularly attached to IV's-- meaning shots. Can you imagine?! If you want to cry today, visit www.fayesfight.blogspot.com and scroll down to some of the videos on the site. Also while you are there please consider donating to her cause, as the costs associated with this type of leukemia are astronomical.

Will has not had to experience what Faye has to go through, but there are some similarities. Faye is hanging on for dear life and when the six months are over, Faye will have a 50 percent chance of this cancer returning. Initially Will had a pretty high possibility of having another stroke-- as the years pass this possibility decreases. Will and I were married only nine months after his stroke.  When contemplating marrying him, at times I cried myself to sleep at night thinking I could lose him, the fear almost kept me for moving forward. I am so glad I let go of my fear.

Currently, Faye and her parents are fighting for their future financial stability, and a normal life for Faye. We are fighting for the same for Will. If people only knew how much Will walks around with the world on his shoulders. As government loans are unforgivable, we will be required to pay back Will's medical school bills, whether or not he returns to be a doctor. Three years after his stroke, Will is fighting for the ability to provide for Ben and I. Will is gone from 7 am to 9:30 pm Monday-Wed and then half the day on Thursday and Friday- attending school, volunteering at a lab and a free clinic.  With post stroke experience under his belt we are hoping Will can someday return to a normal life/career.

I guess I am writing today to say: I know we are not the only ones who stand in the face of a very uncertain future. I know we are not the only ones who fear for their health and financial stability.  So today if you are one of those people be glad you're not worse off. And if you're not one of those people lend a hand to someone who is, I imagine you won't have to look very far to find them. Lastly, don't let fear keep you from anything you want to do in this life. Your belief in a better day will set you free.

The Above and Below pictures are of Will and I volunteering at a fundraiser for Faye

And this blog post would not be complete without pictures of our little Ben

Our cute little swimmer pants

 Ben at the Dinasour Museum in Ogden

Ben and his friend Brody

Every year...

...something happens around the country that a small percent of the population knows about. I did not know about it until after I married Will. And now I know about it every year around this time.   Will experinces grief and loss, meanwhile thousands new doctors are showing up at the first of July for call at the hospitals where they matched.

This is the third year I have been with Will since the stroke. The loss Will continues to feel is significant. I still only understand it a little. He put so much work and dedication. I can't think of another career field that requires the level commitment and hard work that it takes to be a MD. Will's work ethic and knowledge have not changed. He is gone about 60 hours a week right now, volunteering at a clinic downtown, a lab on U of U campus, and attending and studying for his classes in between. At the end of the day none of these activities result in a pay check but he still does them, and puts all of his heart into them.

So today I hope to relate what Will sometimes does not see. He is healing at an incrediby fast rate. He has come so far and he continues to push himself farther. And even though it is sad that he is not joining his fellow residents this year, he has the potential to someday. I am so impressed with Will. He gets better everyday. In even the last few months, I've noted more depth in our converstions and improved problem solving skills.  I am so glad that things have turned out the way they have. The stroke brought Will home to me, and someday in the Lord's great mercy we will return as a family - to practice medicine.

Anatomy (again)

So one of the things I've been doing to regain the information that I once had before the stroke is retaking some classes that I had before. One of these classes is anatomy. Of course, this anatomy is not as complete as the one I took in medical school, but it is a good review. In medical school we spent a considerable portion of time (I don't remember quite how long) at the beginning doing anatomy. In fact, we did anatomy for the first few months together before we split into regular and independent study groups. I chose independent study.

Anatomy in medical school was different. First of all it was an every day thing. Every day in the lab. Now I have lectures three times a week and I go to the lab just once in the week. Another think thats different is the cadavers. In medical school we worked in groups and had cadavers.

Now, we still go around in groups, but the cadavers are all gone. We just look at one part while one of the TAs explain what it is and why its important. I do think that I remember quite a lot of anatomy from medical school, but it is quite detailed and while the general concepts are still very much there, I am sure that some of the details have been lost and have to be regained.

I think one thing I am regaining again is being comfortable in the "university" setting. I do think its pretty comfortable, but I would much rather be in the graduate setting instead of the undergraduate. I am, after all, ten years older (at least) than most of my colleagues in the class. I guess in that sense it does feel like I've taken a step back, I've already been an undergraduate, but I am moving forward and its good to have the opportunity to relearn some of the things I knew before.

My father in law's birthday present. Sand for the sandbox.

Hiking with Ben and two nieces

Ben and his aunt watching us play ultimate in the rain.

Ben watching us play basketball.

Ben loves his backpack.

No shortcuts

One day Will was capable and eligible to be a doctor and the next he was not.  Some random clot that was never found, a hole in his heart (that one in five people have anyways), no one to check in on him in time, one nerve in a unusual place on his brain (connecting his left and right hemispheres) -- created a storm that is taking years to resolve. We've yet to find a quick way back. Initially, we timed his recovery six to twelve months out. With this timeline in mind we returned to his "residency" a year and a half after his stroke for a trial rotation, and he was not re-admitted to his position as a practicing doctor.

Plans change. They have to be re-written. We have been at the drafting boards for the last year now and I think we're comfortable moving ahead with our next "attempt" at returning Will to medicine. I want to go off on a tangent for a moment. When I say "attempt" or "move ahead" that generally means a financial risk.   For example if we were to apply for a job tomorrow for Will and get it -- more than likely that would mean $30K job outside of practicing medicine and could possibly stop us from being able to return from residency due to lack of interim career/memory experience. Meaning $30k to pay off $200K worth of medical school debt. It would be a financial risk that could cost us our future/owning a home.

Now back on to the topic matter. They will not let us back into residency without proof of Will's capabilities, OSU told us they won't take him back to medical school and the U of U residency program said they won't let him do a "subinternship" to be brought up to speed in just a few months. The residency program he interviewed at, in December, did not accept him because they want more post stroke proof/experience in medicine. This means we have been denied practically all the shortcuts to getting Will back-- we have to "retrain" or "re-educate," which equals more financial responsibility. 

I believe, however, this year's risks are much more calculated-- AKA less risky.  This year we are still going off the assumption that Will is going to practice medicine again. Last year's failed risk cost us $2,000 in applications for residency, as there was no real interest in Will as a applicant. This year we are looking for $72K to go back to school, this time instead of medical school it will be Physicians Assistant School.  This risk involves a lot more time and money, but it also secures us more education, more time for brain injury recovery activities and most importantly it gives us the PROOF that we need to secure us the future we are hoping for. At the least this route would be a $90K job and a better means to pay off our school loans. At the best it would be a great venue to get Will back to residency-- Proven experience in a the field he got his M.D. in. 

I wish I could say we've secured the funds or that I am 100 percent positive Will can do this. Nobody--not even the doctors, have a crystal ball. So this time we are taking our steps one at a time, with no shortcuts!  We've developed a trial period (we meaning financial stakeholders) to be sure Will can do this. Today Will started two classes at the University of Utah. He is in an physiology class and an anatomy class (back to the cadavers again;)  Come the end of August we will see how he performs in his classes and also how he performs at doing Xray's at the free clinic that he volunteers, as he just got his certificate to do this. This will give us at least the needed evidence to then move on to apply for PA school…. So keep with us here, because the fun is just beginning.