Clarity

My dear friend's mother is currently recovering from a hemorrhage in her brain. Everything is so new for their family. Everything is so unknown. When I read about her recovery, I can see with renewed clarity my husband's earlier recovery. The things that really bothered me at first - don't really even seem like issues now. I would get so frustrated, for example, when I would tell him something and then an hour later it is like the conversation never happened. I put pressure on him (aka myself) to make him all better. I pushed him and at times lectured him to work on his memory or executive function or planning. Sometimes this pushing lead to disagreements and ended with us in tears. Often it seemed like, the very next day the cycle would repeat itself "Will I told you to work on this..." or "Will we talked about this…" I guess I'm saying these things for a few reasons. First, I found out really quick that as powerful as individual my husband or I am- you can't rush recovery. You shouldn't rush it either. Secondly, you can help recovery. As I watch my friend's family struggle, I pray that they might know that it's only a moment in time. That the best way to help a recovery is not push it- but support it.

When I was really negative about how things were going- Will's recovery seemed to slow down. But when I was positive and reassuring-- things seemed to pick up. I think these are really good principles to live by even if you're not recovering from a stroke. There is nothing a bad mood won't make worse. I believe faith is such an integral part of the scriptures for this very reason: If we believe and then act upon these beliefs the Lord can and will support us in our trials. But if we lack faith than he cannot bless us with those things we desperately need. I wish having faith was a lot easier than it is. It is so much easier to give into doubt and disbelief. Easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to love yourself. Rising up and believing against the odds have brought me more blessings in my life than I can count. I love my Savior. I love Him for all that He has given me. I love my husband for the faith he shows everyday in the face of such difficult times. And of course I can't help but count my other two great blessings, Ben and James. They are my everything. These are truly great times. 

Recovery

Recovery: the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away.  

I think of the definition of recovery and I feel like it really applies to more than just health. Sometimes Will and I feel cheated- like his career as a doctor was "taken away," and as we talk about his recovery we are really talking about restoring his career before the stroke. His mind before the injury.  But when we think of things in this way- sometimes we're angry or hurt about the "recovery" or maybe lack thereof. Don't get me wrong-- Will has and continues to experience a miraculous recovery. We are thankful everyday for his working memory and planning abilities (because at one time they were non existent). But as far as recovering a career and a means to provide for his family-- we're still working or hoping to regain this. 

I guess I'm saying this today because I realize it is easy to be angry. Angry that five years after the stroke we are still in survival mode, and not "flourishing" in a career. But five years is a long time to be angry and hurt, is it really worth the energy? If I could give some advice to individuals in similar circumstances it would be, move through your anger and grief at the things you have lost when you need to, but spend more of your time focusing on the things you do have instead of the things you wish you still had.

As for Will and I we're happy as clams with our two boys and little apartment. Ben is talking up a storm and James is smiling everyday. I'm grateful for our boys, I'm grateful for Will. We're grateful for our jobs and we're glad we are together-- these realities make the harder realities bearable. 

Cheerleaders

I guess we are all just cheerleaders. And when I say we I mean anyone who has had to go through a difficult disease, stroke, brain injury, car accident, etc… at a younger age. I mean the people that had a lot different plans than the ones they have been dealt. We are the ones who have to keep moving forward- even when sometimes we just want to go back to the way things were before. Or maybe not the way they were before but the way things could be if they would have never changed.

I read about Gabrielle Giffords tonight. She was invited to share her feelings with Loughner in court-- the man who attempted to take her life. Instead of saying anything, however, she hobbled with the help of her husband to the stand and he recited what he thought she might say. I think a few years ago when she was hanging on for life in the hospital the entire nation prayed for her to return to her post as a congresswoman. Many of us believed she could do it. But today I don't know that our prayers are the same as they were. Some of us have forgotten her and then the rest of us-- mainly her cheerleaders only look on in reverence and maybe disappointment that she didn't make it back to perform in her previous government job. All the hope and cheerleading in the world doesn't always change what is to be. But when I read about her with a heavy heart I am not completely sad. I am mostly grateful. Grateful that she is alive, grateful that her husband stands besides her and grateful that you can see her spirit is not dimmed by her unfortunate circumstance, it actually seems to burn brighter. So as her cheerleader I will continue on the sidelines. I will never forget Gabrielle and I will never stop wondering about her. She is one of my many heroes who move through their day to day lives living the life they never planned to live, but making it great even though.

Determined

Today I've been glued to my iPhone. I've been worried about my relatives back east caught in the fury of Sandy's Hurricane. My sister in law with her two boys and infant daughter were of particular concern. They spent the day hiding out while the storm raged on. I am glad they have taken shelter and I pray that the shelter holds up. I think it will. I guess I'm sharing this post as a follow up from my last post. None of us are free from storms or devastation or hard days. It's incredible when you start to really count the people you know at any given time who might be passing through a very difficult health problem or job loss or family crisis, or so on. I'm determined, as I have determined so many times before, that I will not leave others comfortless. Or in other words I won't live senseless. Senseless of the pain of those around me. So many are huddled in their homes hoping for relief from their storms. Many crippled by a loss of power and light. I know it is all to easy to forget about what others might be going through when you are going through your own calvary. And I want to add especially when part of that difficulty involves someone who has offended you in one way or another. It's easy to actually want to see them suffer -- so you might somehow be justified. I vow today as I have before to not be senseless and not seek justification. I hope to be more successful in my goals as I set them again and again. One day I hope to report that I have arrived. That my storms excite compassion for those around me, and not anger for those that have wronged me. 

The storm

I don't have but a minute to talk with you tonight. Our beautiful newborn is sick with RSV, we just moved, Will picked up a part time job that works him early morning hours, and I write in the evening for my work hours. Between his schedule and mine, we hardly get time for one another or to ourselves. Will picked working in the wee hours of the morning so he can still study/volunteer/research up at the University of Utah. He is hoping to land a job there, but as time and funds were running out we had to act fast. Don't get me wrong- I am very grateful we have jobs. But this just happens to be one those times where I feel like we are carrying the weight of the world. Like the spinning and twisting of our destinies or futures or whatever you want to call it has us asking-- when is it going to stop? When Will my husband get his chance? And I know that life is about learning to dance in the rain, but sometimes it rains so hard that it's best to take cover and wait for the storm to pass.

Wading through...

I don't know if I am the only one that does this, but sometimes I get my mind so wrapped up into one thought-- if things don't go the way I plan them than I'm a wreck. A week or two a go I was in one of my mind warps where I was determined to accomplish a few objectives. The more days that passed and I couldn't realize my goals I became more and more upset. I was also angry and unreasonable at moments. In fact in one of these moments I found myself trying to put our newborn down for the night. Generally, putting down James is such a treat. Holding him close is so peaceful. Watching him breath and smile in his sleep, I just melt. But this particular night as I held him I felt nothing, and in that moment I realized something. We can block out love. We can block out all the good if we are not careful. Things can seem so much worse than they really are. Our thoughts can put us places where we neglect very important relationships and miss out on some of life's most beautiful sunsets. 

When I think about what Will has gone through and the difficult waters he still has to wade through I know he could be in a very dark place, but he is not. Finding the beautiful in the hard times is critical. I would hate to miss my newborn's love and I know Will could have missed out on our marriage and so much more if he would have succumb to despair. It's not worth spending even a minute there. And even though none of us are perfect and I'm sure we all fall into a pit of pity from time to time; making a conscience effort to climb out will help us see that there is so much more to life than we ever imagined. And our blessing are great indeed :)

In his arms

Our baby boy was born September 7,2012. I had no idea that having two children would double our joy. Little James is so sweet. He was born 8 lbs and came into our world with just as much hair as Ben had at his age. It will yet to be seen if he will be a toe head like our little Ben. His bigger brother seems just as thrilled about our new addition as we are. He never tires of holding him, and first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening Ben asks to see him.

The blessings haven't come without their trials of course. Ben went into survival mode for the first few days after the baby came home. And when I say survival mode I mean Tantrum mode. He wanted his mom to hold him all the time (which is very atypical of him). It took an hour and a half of crying for him to finally go to bed at night. I am going to relate this to life. Actually, Will did the best job of relating this particular difficulty to the bigger picture. One of these difficult nights Will was in trying to console Ben. And our sweet Ben threw his arms around his daddy and held on tight. At that moment Will said he felt like that is what the Lord would have us do during our hard times. Hold on tight. I know in the scriptures it often mentions that we are to cleave unto the Lord. I believe that with the same love and intensity we are to cleave unto our Father in Heaven. I know the Lord is pleased as we do so, and as we cleave unto him the peace does come and the night is not so dark.