Roles

I want to talk for a minute about gender roles; and when I say gender roles I don't mean boys shouldn't cook and girls shouldn't play soccer. I'm talking about something that goes way back. I'm talking about the man who went out into the forest to hunt beasts, while his wife stayed at home and nourished the children. Physically and emotionally we are hardwired for certain roles. My son hardly notices when his younger brother is crying, but the minute my newborn spills a tear my niece, who is 18 months old, is so concerned. You're probably wondering what gender roles has to do with Will's recovery. Sitting in year five from the recovery -- I'm going to tell you it has a lot to do with it. If this would have happened to me, "a stay at home mom" the drama from the injury would have probably burned off about year two. The injury would only rear it's ugly head every once in a while after that. For Will, however, it is so much more difficult. He is hard wired to want to provide for me and the children. His identity is on the line. He said to me the other day… "I just don't know when this will be over…" I quickly recoiled with "It is over-- you're memory is back- your planning and functioning is restored. It's a miracle!"  I've learned, though, no matter what I say- until he can fulfill his provider role - he will never really feel complete. Society is also married to theses roles. I can't tell you how many new conversations start with "what does your husband do?"

I'm not putting down gender roles. I am especially not putting down roles we play in the family. I am so glad we have them. I am so much more complete as a mother and wife than I ever was as a single woman. I know Will  is happy as a father and husband, but he still feels the weight of the world whenever it comes to providing for the family. I can't take that away-- I wish I could. I'm glad he feels so strongly about his role and pray everyday that his desire can be filled. I am grateful, we can both work during the night so we can both work towards our more important roles during the day. Will in his strong desire to return to medicine in some form or another and my strong desires to raise children who love the Lord.

On this final note I want to wish you a Merry Christmas! I want to acknowledge the Saviors crucial role in the fabric of our society. In doing so I'll reference one of my favorite Christmas carols. The songwriter was inspired by the true story of a solider who had been injured in the civil war, and had recently lost his wife due to an accidental fire.

I heard the bells on Christmas day-- "there is no peace on earth," I said; 

For hate is strong and mocks the song 

Of peace on earth, good will towards towards man. 

Then Pealed the bells more loud and deep

'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The Wrong shall fail

The Right prevail

With peace on earth, good-will to men"

I know feeling and having peace at this time, when so much is wrong in the world, is only possible because of our Lord and Savior. This Christmas Season I praise Him for His lowly birth and infinite atoning sacrifice.

Clarity

My dear friend's mother is currently recovering from a hemorrhage in her brain. Everything is so new for their family. Everything is so unknown. When I read about her recovery, I can see with renewed clarity my husband's earlier recovery. The things that really bothered me at first - don't really even seem like issues now. I would get so frustrated, for example, when I would tell him something and then an hour later it is like the conversation never happened. I put pressure on him (aka myself) to make him all better. I pushed him and at times lectured him to work on his memory or executive function or planning. Sometimes this pushing lead to disagreements and ended with us in tears. Often it seemed like, the very next day the cycle would repeat itself "Will I told you to work on this..." or "Will we talked about this…" I guess I'm saying these things for a few reasons. First, I found out really quick that as powerful as individual my husband or I am- you can't rush recovery. You shouldn't rush it either. Secondly, you can help recovery. As I watch my friend's family struggle, I pray that they might know that it's only a moment in time. That the best way to help a recovery is not push it- but support it.

When I was really negative about how things were going- Will's recovery seemed to slow down. But when I was positive and reassuring-- things seemed to pick up. I think these are really good principles to live by even if you're not recovering from a stroke. There is nothing a bad mood won't make worse. I believe faith is such an integral part of the scriptures for this very reason: If we believe and then act upon these beliefs the Lord can and will support us in our trials. But if we lack faith than he cannot bless us with those things we desperately need. I wish having faith was a lot easier than it is. It is so much easier to give into doubt and disbelief. Easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to love yourself. Rising up and believing against the odds have brought me more blessings in my life than I can count. I love my Savior. I love Him for all that He has given me. I love my husband for the faith he shows everyday in the face of such difficult times. And of course I can't help but count my other two great blessings, Ben and James. They are my everything. These are truly great times. 

Recovery

Recovery: the regaining of or possibility of regaining something lost or taken away.  

I think of the definition of recovery and I feel like it really applies to more than just health. Sometimes Will and I feel cheated- like his career as a doctor was "taken away," and as we talk about his recovery we are really talking about restoring his career before the stroke. His mind before the injury.  But when we think of things in this way- sometimes we're angry or hurt about the "recovery" or maybe lack thereof. Don't get me wrong-- Will has and continues to experience a miraculous recovery. We are thankful everyday for his working memory and planning abilities (because at one time they were non existent). But as far as recovering a career and a means to provide for his family-- we're still working or hoping to regain this. 

I guess I'm saying this today because I realize it is easy to be angry. Angry that five years after the stroke we are still in survival mode, and not "flourishing" in a career. But five years is a long time to be angry and hurt, is it really worth the energy? If I could give some advice to individuals in similar circumstances it would be, move through your anger and grief at the things you have lost when you need to, but spend more of your time focusing on the things you do have instead of the things you wish you still had.

As for Will and I we're happy as clams with our two boys and little apartment. Ben is talking up a storm and James is smiling everyday. I'm grateful for our boys, I'm grateful for Will. We're grateful for our jobs and we're glad we are together-- these realities make the harder realities bearable. 

Cheerleaders

I guess we are all just cheerleaders. And when I say we I mean anyone who has had to go through a difficult disease, stroke, brain injury, car accident, etc… at a younger age. I mean the people that had a lot different plans than the ones they have been dealt. We are the ones who have to keep moving forward- even when sometimes we just want to go back to the way things were before. Or maybe not the way they were before but the way things could be if they would have never changed.

I read about Gabrielle Giffords tonight. She was invited to share her feelings with Loughner in court-- the man who attempted to take her life. Instead of saying anything, however, she hobbled with the help of her husband to the stand and he recited what he thought she might say. I think a few years ago when she was hanging on for life in the hospital the entire nation prayed for her to return to her post as a congresswoman. Many of us believed she could do it. But today I don't know that our prayers are the same as they were. Some of us have forgotten her and then the rest of us-- mainly her cheerleaders only look on in reverence and maybe disappointment that she didn't make it back to perform in her previous government job. All the hope and cheerleading in the world doesn't always change what is to be. But when I read about her with a heavy heart I am not completely sad. I am mostly grateful. Grateful that she is alive, grateful that her husband stands besides her and grateful that you can see her spirit is not dimmed by her unfortunate circumstance, it actually seems to burn brighter. So as her cheerleader I will continue on the sidelines. I will never forget Gabrielle and I will never stop wondering about her. She is one of my many heroes who move through their day to day lives living the life they never planned to live, but making it great even though.

Determined

Today I've been glued to my iPhone. I've been worried about my relatives back east caught in the fury of Sandy's Hurricane. My sister in law with her two boys and infant daughter were of particular concern. They spent the day hiding out while the storm raged on. I am glad they have taken shelter and I pray that the shelter holds up. I think it will. I guess I'm sharing this post as a follow up from my last post. None of us are free from storms or devastation or hard days. It's incredible when you start to really count the people you know at any given time who might be passing through a very difficult health problem or job loss or family crisis, or so on. I'm determined, as I have determined so many times before, that I will not leave others comfortless. Or in other words I won't live senseless. Senseless of the pain of those around me. So many are huddled in their homes hoping for relief from their storms. Many crippled by a loss of power and light. I know it is all to easy to forget about what others might be going through when you are going through your own calvary. And I want to add especially when part of that difficulty involves someone who has offended you in one way or another. It's easy to actually want to see them suffer -- so you might somehow be justified. I vow today as I have before to not be senseless and not seek justification. I hope to be more successful in my goals as I set them again and again. One day I hope to report that I have arrived. That my storms excite compassion for those around me, and not anger for those that have wronged me. 

The storm

I don't have but a minute to talk with you tonight. Our beautiful newborn is sick with RSV, we just moved, Will picked up a part time job that works him early morning hours, and I write in the evening for my work hours. Between his schedule and mine, we hardly get time for one another or to ourselves. Will picked working in the wee hours of the morning so he can still study/volunteer/research up at the University of Utah. He is hoping to land a job there, but as time and funds were running out we had to act fast. Don't get me wrong- I am very grateful we have jobs. But this just happens to be one those times where I feel like we are carrying the weight of the world. Like the spinning and twisting of our destinies or futures or whatever you want to call it has us asking-- when is it going to stop? When Will my husband get his chance? And I know that life is about learning to dance in the rain, but sometimes it rains so hard that it's best to take cover and wait for the storm to pass.

Wading through...

I don't know if I am the only one that does this, but sometimes I get my mind so wrapped up into one thought-- if things don't go the way I plan them than I'm a wreck. A week or two a go I was in one of my mind warps where I was determined to accomplish a few objectives. The more days that passed and I couldn't realize my goals I became more and more upset. I was also angry and unreasonable at moments. In fact in one of these moments I found myself trying to put our newborn down for the night. Generally, putting down James is such a treat. Holding him close is so peaceful. Watching him breath and smile in his sleep, I just melt. But this particular night as I held him I felt nothing, and in that moment I realized something. We can block out love. We can block out all the good if we are not careful. Things can seem so much worse than they really are. Our thoughts can put us places where we neglect very important relationships and miss out on some of life's most beautiful sunsets. 

When I think about what Will has gone through and the difficult waters he still has to wade through I know he could be in a very dark place, but he is not. Finding the beautiful in the hard times is critical. I would hate to miss my newborn's love and I know Will could have missed out on our marriage and so much more if he would have succumb to despair. It's not worth spending even a minute there. And even though none of us are perfect and I'm sure we all fall into a pit of pity from time to time; making a conscience effort to climb out will help us see that there is so much more to life than we ever imagined. And our blessing are great indeed :)

In his arms

Our baby boy was born September 7,2012. I had no idea that having two children would double our joy. Little James is so sweet. He was born 8 lbs and came into our world with just as much hair as Ben had at his age. It will yet to be seen if he will be a toe head like our little Ben. His bigger brother seems just as thrilled about our new addition as we are. He never tires of holding him, and first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening Ben asks to see him.

The blessings haven't come without their trials of course. Ben went into survival mode for the first few days after the baby came home. And when I say survival mode I mean Tantrum mode. He wanted his mom to hold him all the time (which is very atypical of him). It took an hour and a half of crying for him to finally go to bed at night. I am going to relate this to life. Actually, Will did the best job of relating this particular difficulty to the bigger picture. One of these difficult nights Will was in trying to console Ben. And our sweet Ben threw his arms around his daddy and held on tight. At that moment Will said he felt like that is what the Lord would have us do during our hard times. Hold on tight. I know in the scriptures it often mentions that we are to cleave unto the Lord. I believe that with the same love and intensity we are to cleave unto our Father in Heaven. I know the Lord is pleased as we do so, and as we cleave unto him the peace does come and the night is not so dark.

Dreaming

What kind of person are you?  A dreamer or is reality too appetizing to give into the idea that your dreams might be a little much.  I find myself in a battle with the two sometimes. I want to dream but I don't want to wake up some day and say I spent too much time chasing dreams and not enough time enjoying the reality that I have. I don't know if this is making sense but I'm thinking along the lines of -- if I set my expectations high I might be disappointed when things don't turn out the way I hope they will.

Of course a lot of my inner turmoil revolves around my husband finding his way back to a suitable career. I don't want to pressure him or make him feel like he can't do something. I want us to dream-- and I want to live his dreams. I want to be the wife that helps his dreams come true. But then the reality of 4 + years without a job for him is staring us in the face and his credentials match a doctors but not those of another career field so side stepping into another career field is proving to be difficult. So I guess I'm asking - if you were me- would you dream or bear down and start over? This has been a consistent flow of thinking to me for years now-- I don't always know how to feel about our situation. But one thing I always come back to is -- no matter what happens -- I am happy. I have a perfect husband a wonderful child and another one on the way. The reality is I couldn't be luckier, or better off. They are what matters most. I do expect/dream/hope that Will is going to end up in the right career for him. And that we won't have to be in limbo forever. Mostly, I just need to develop patience that things will happen in the Lords timing and not our timing.

Holding hands

I feel like I'm being reeled up the length of a very tall roller coaster, just about to roll over the top and fly down the track, stomach in throat and hand in Will's. We're within weeks of welcoming our next little boy into the world, and we're both very excited. We can't wait for the first real contraction- indicating the appraoching arrival of James. It is wonderful to share my life with my best friend. To have him at my side as we ride through the ups and downs holding hands all the while. Three of Will's siblings have been (or will be by next week) joined in marriage the last two months. You can just feel the love they share. And then I think about how much that love grows with the addition of children, and sticking through the difficult times. I'm even more excited for the next chapter in our life. Even though I know the combination of raising a toddler and newborn is a giantic task.  I also know finding Will a career is also going to be very difficult. We're in it together, and I can't wait to see where we end up.

As for Will's actual recovery I still see noteable changes. Like he is alert if I wake him in the middle of the night- that has never happened in our marriage until the last month or so. He gets emails and responds to them as quick as he would have before his stroke-- also new these past few months.  He's better everyday, and its been almost five years since the stroke blew through. As for our lives we've been busy with weddings and vacations-- hence the late in the month blog post and the double hitter (meaning watch for a post in the next few days).  Finally as a side note-- Will has not forgotten this blog- he took a break from it to study and look for jobs this past half year but lately he's been telling me he's going to get back online. So keep your fingers crossed and you might hear from the man himself one of these days :)

Happiness...

"Happiness is a form of Courage" this is a quote I came across a few weeks ago. I think a million things when I read it, but mostly I just agree. Life isn't for the faint of heart and it isn't always easy to find the positive and happy in every situation. I think it takes some real courage. It takes believing in things you don't see. It takes standing up against everyone who tells you you can't, or that tells you it's not worth it.   It takes endurance and faith.  I'm assuming one of the reasons it is so empowering to be around people that are generally happy, is because they inspire. They don't put down people around them or situations that seem to push them into a corner. They face their future with hope and not doubt. Happiness takes courage.

As for the day to day of our lives, I am bigger than ever. People are already wondering if I'm going to pop and I still have a month and a half until the big due date. I guess I just carry my babies on the outside. Ben's cast is off and I sometimes wonder if he even remembers that he had it on. It was such a pain while it lasted but the pain is long gone now. As for the topic of this blog, my husband, he is a trooper. He's been in the midst of searching for jobs, and in the meantime he has decided to take up some courses on medical research at the University of Utah. As well, he is still volunteering on a research project at the U and in the next few weeks he will go from preforming experiments to writing up analysis's on some of the research they are doing. So even though things have been tough the last few months-- I have to say my husband continues to prove himself on the battle field, and I can't be more proud of him. 

Purpose

I've thought a lot about my purpose at this point in my life lately. I remember once walking past a very small, cute home located on a busy street in downtown Ogden during my college years, and thinking... do the people that live in this humble residence feel anymore or less purpose than the people who live in the mansions on the foothills? I determined at that point in time that I doubt it mattered that much. The home we live in or the cars we drive or the things we own do not add to our purpose. They may reflect some of our purpose- but definetly do not define our purpose. When I talk about purpose I guess what I am really talking about happiness. When we feel like we are fullfilling a purpose in our families or careers or other areas in the community- our level of happiness rises. At which point I believe opens more doors for more purpose and more happiness.

Why this topic seems to have occupied my mind lately is probably my own internal battle to fight all the doubts that have seemed to pour into our lives/situation in the past month or two. I don't want our hard times to define me, at least in a negative way. I have been fighting being angry, sad, afraid, and so on. I believe these emotions can cloud our purpose. Make situations seem darker, when in fact the "purpose" the Lord may actually have in mind is to fill our lives with greater light and purpose. I believe we are chastened by the Lord to lift us up, not tear us down. As we accept the chastening we can only become a better person. Someone with deeper thoughts and deeds. I can only hope and pray that we will endure this time well, as I desperately desire a life for my family and I of great purpose and happiness.

As for the day to day in our lives, and particularly of Will's recovery, we are keeping busy. Just last week we spent sometime with Will's rehab therapist from two years back. She marveled at his continued recovery and remarked that so many people with as serious of an injury as Will's, do not have such a remarkable recovery. I know we are truly blessed. Some of the noticable recovery from my standpoint in the last six months even have been in the areas of organization and executive functioning. There was a day a few weeks ago where Will, I'm assuming was having a bad day and did not accomplish much. I wanted to cry-- terrified that the deficit was back or maybe had not resolved (he had spent so much time studying the last six months I hardly was able to track where he was and where he was going recovery wise).  My temporary fears were dashed as he has spent almost everyday since that day looking for jobs, sending emails, connecting up with medical researchers, and etc... I am amazed. I really do have a whole new husband as of 2012. Other good news not related to Will's recovery is the leaping lizard I have inside of me. Our little baby in waiting is moving everyday-- sometimes I wonder if he ever sleeps!  We can't wait to hold him in our arms come mid-September. And the last tidbit of good news is Ben's cast comes off tomorrow!!! I can't wait!  Well I better end my forever long post. Thank you for sharing your lives with ours as you read this blog and pray for us along our journey. Below are some pictures some of the purposeful moments we have enjoyed in the past few weeks.

Rising above

About two months after Ben was born, Will and I, and our newborn were driving on an interstate at night.  As we headed towards an intersection, I watched the light turn yellow. My immediate instinct was to tell Will to run through it. I knew his instinct would be the opposite. As we slowed to a stop we watched the car in front of us fly through the intersection to beat the light. In a horrible miscalculation a truck turning left turned too soon and glided right into the car in front of us going about 60 mph. You can imagine the scene that followed.  The truck pushed the car across the intersection and into a lightpost. As we pulled over to help- Will jumped out of the car to find out more about the causualties of those inside the car.  I stayed in the car with Ben. I felt so helpless and vunerable at that minute. I knew lives were hanging in the balance and I knew our families lives had been inches away from being a part of that horrible scene. Will returned after seeing there was little to do but wait until the paramedics came. I jumped out to see if there was any comfort I could offer, along with crowds of others who had gathered. Inside of the car was a young woman and young man. The woman dazed and out of it, the man covered in blood from his head having gone through the windshield. I too quickly found out there was little I could do, but wait.

Why do I bring this story up, after so long? It was the only way I could illustrate some of my feelings right now. I feel so vunerable, and a little scared. But there isn't a whole lot I can do to fix things. My gratitude and worry for my small family has increased tenfold over the past few weeks. I thanked my husband a hundred times since that day- that he did not run that yellow light-- but it was still unnerving how close we had been to a worse fate. I cringed for a half a year after that everytime I saw a yellow light and of course stopped immediately. Just as with the car crash incident- we were the same people as we were before the accident. Will's capabilities are still the same as they were before the test results came in. He is fine. He has tremendous abilities to preform - and preform well in a career. But the reality of having the possibility of not becoming a doctor so prominent before us-- brings us to imagine all the what ifs:  what if we can't get a job, what if we can't pay down the medical school loans, what if we can't ever buy a home, what if Will can't find a way to use his MD degree... Just as in the crash-- the situation was made so much more dramatic because we had a newborn in the back seat. Finding solutions to Will's career questions feel so much more pressing- now that we have our children's future to think about.

Now forgive me if this post seems a little over the top. I know the greatest blessing of all is that we are together as a family and that we are safe. That Will did not loose his life over the stroke or have to suffer blaring disablites as a result. I imagine even to this day the two in the actual car crash suffer from residual pain left from their injuries. It is those that truly suffer that our hearts should constantly be turned to. I do not claim that our problems are any greater than the next. I used this example to illustrate how I feel a little helpless and vunerable. I wish I could do more for those around me. I wish that life wasn't so unpredictable. But most of all I wish for a future that is condusive to a strong family unit where Will and I and our children can care for our own needs and extend ourselves to the caring of the needs many others. I imagine with Will's capablities this will be possible, maybe not as a physician, but in another area. I know just as in the night of the crash, the Lord is watching over us. He is protecting us and preparing us for something better. It is now my challenge to believe that, and to let go of my fears and feelings of helplessness.

To hope and quietly wait...

Last night Will was reading in the Old Testament in Lamentations 3:26 "It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord." He read it aloud to me, because he was so impressed with the scripture. At the time we both felt like our hoping and waiting, was finally almost over, but this morning we found out it is not. The journey feels like it has just lengthened by months or even more years. Neither of us know what to do or how to feel. Will did not pass Step 3. And while all the justification was there for why it may be impossible to do, (i.e. four years since medical school, a stroke - which caused significant memory loss and etc...) somehow we hoped the impossible could become possible. So today instead of dwelling too much on our disappointments... I want to talk about our sons recent broken leg.

Two days ago our little guy seemed to collapse under his weight on a playground. It wasn't a trip, or a jump that turned into a fall, it was just a fall that turned quickly into a lot more tears than we expected. He kept on saying "sad, sad, sad, sad." Within minutes I knew we would be spending sometime in the ER. I was able to keep it together- even when I had to leave the room during the Xray (on account of our baby in waiting). I watched from the hallway, as our little man screamed, but I kept it together. It wasn't until we had him home and fast asleep that I lost it. I couldn't believe that someone so innocent and undeserving, would be given such suffering. It wasn't on account of sloppy stepping, or reckless jumping. He just fell. And in a moment his ability to walk was taken away from him. Benjamin doesn't really understand what happened to him, and when he tries to stand up, that stance is greeted a sharp pain. I'm of course worried the ache will keep him from standing even when he can stand again.

Will's situation is not that different from Ben's. I can't imagine another person more undeserving as Will of such a burden. And much like little 20 month old Ben, we don't understand why we have lost so much. But I believe what it says in Lamentations "it is good to hope and quietly wait..." I believe not only is there purpose to what we are going through. I believe the hoping will bring us closer to the "salvation of the Lord" than ever we could get without this particular waiting period we've been given. Finally, while the fear to once again try to stand is ever present, because of a past riddled with failed tries, I know Ben will walk again and Will is going to suceed, someday. So keep tuned cause this story STILL aint over ;)

To be continued...

I don't know if the last post was a cliff hanger for you, but I thought I'd bring you back off the cliff. Will took the second part of his test on Wednesday. He feels like he did OK. With these types of tests "OK" means you know you missed a whole lot, but you're hoping you answered enough correctly to pass. The results will not be revealed until June sometime, so I'm afraid we'll have keep you waiting again.

Finally the pressure of the test has been lifted. Will and I spent the last half a week celebrating. It has been wonderful! Below are some of the adventures we have gone on. As for what's next the list includes: finding a job, trying to sell our condo, looking for experince in radiology to beef up our resume, preparing for the arrival of our next son, etc...

Since I started with the news, I will end with a thought. Will's family is overflowing with marriages lately. To date- one of his sisters has been married this year, a  brother is engaged and Will's youngest sister just announced her engagement. We are not even half way through the year and at least three kids in his family will tie the knot before years end! Will is thrilled, he is practically all smiles whenever we talk about his family. When I look at where they are currently and the time we've had in our marriage, I can't help but feel grateful. Marriage comes with so much more than companionship. It brings with it sacrifice, understanding, stability, new challenges, children, and a lot of work from both in the partnership to build a secure home for their family. I cannot on paper begin to describe how much my love for Will has grown through all of the experinces our marriage has brought with it. It feels like putting a pea next to a watermelon, like the earth next to Jupiter. I am so grateful that Will has worked day in and day out, not only to regain his career, but serve and love me. To support me in my role, and give me wings to fly. I love him more today than I ever have. I believe that some day that love can fill the emancity of space.  Love can continue to grow, much like our children will grow, and then they bring children of their own, and so on. The family/love never stops growing. What any of this has to do with Will's recovery, I guess it has everything to do with it.  Will has taken a challenge and instead of turning inward he has turned outward. He has made it possible for our relationship to flourish-- out of the love and compassion that he has gained from those challenges. I know that it could have been just as easy for him to turn inward and find less reason to love and live fully, but he did not. And for this I will be eternally grateful.

After Will's test he came home to this carrier for his bike. He has fond memories of his dad riding around  his siblings on such a seat, so I thought I'd suprise him with his own. 

Hiking with Ben. This is the only time I held him, the rest of the time, Will carried Ben and I carried our other baby ;)

Ben's thumbs up after a great walk around Temple Square.

Ben loves his backpack.

We had a dutch oven party for Will a couple days after the test. We had like a billion kids there (nieces, nephews, kids of friends). It was lots of fun!

Living in Limbo

I wonder if I were able to take a poll of all the people who read this blog, what percentage of them could really relate with the title of this post. I don't know how common it is to feel like you have no control over your situation, or like all you can do is wait and hope. Friday Will took the first part of Step three. After eight hours in testing he returned home at 8 pm to then prepare to wake up at 5:30 am the next day for his next day of eight hour testing. Once he arrived, however, the following day the computer lab he was taking the test through had unforeseen technical difficulties and Will's test was postponed. We have spent the last few days on the phone and sending messages. We are not sure when we will be able to take the rest of the test, but for now we are in limbo. Our initial reaction was frustration. It feels like the same thing we have been dealing with for years, just another "wait and hope" situation.  I guess this is why I believe we are not the only ones.

I think of my friend Marshall, who is admits his chemo therapy treatments, that don't seem to be doing the trick.  He is a week or two away from a bone marrow transplant. Marshall and his wife and family can only wait to see if it will make a difference. Wait on the test results. His life is on hold right now, with little he can do to change his situation.

I believe much of our purpose in this life is to learn to trust. Trust that things will work out. So often we don't have a choice in what happens to us, but we always have a choice to determine how we react to the things that happen to us. I am inspired with the way Marshall has and continues to deal with his situation. We are all on the edge of our seats, hoping for the best for Marshall. Our hearts are breaking, thinking about his baby boy who desperately needs a father. We don't understand the what and why behind everything, but we know that we have all power over who we are and how we live. Defeat or victory lies within. I know no matter where we end up, I'm married to a victor. So even with all the set back's Will has and continues to run into in his career path -- we still win- not because of what happens to us but because of who Will is and how he continues to deal with what has happened to him.

Have I ever told you my husband and I come from a "house divided" I am a U graduate and Will is a BYU graduate. Needless to say Will's family was not amused when I sent out this text of Ben in front of Will's testing center. 

This was the cake I made for my husband's mid-way through his test celebration ;)

Remember

When we moved back into my condo we had a drip. It was in the front bath. I don't know for how long our renters had dealt with this drip-- but it only took a few days to really annoy me. I felt like the entire Atlantic ocean was passing through my bathtub every week. I digress. Will spent a few weekends installing new parts but to no avail the leak was not to be stopped. We lived with it for a few months. It was really frustrating but I tried to ignore it.  Finally one day the leak got a lot worse and we called in the plumbers. After cutting through the wall and completely replacing the components -- i.e. handles, spout and shower head, the leak was finally plugged. For a few days it was glorious! No noise!  No drip!  Just the sound of silence. It's been a month since the plumbers came. I hardly even think about the bath anymore. It's as if it never happened.

This is obviously an analogy for Will's stroke. So much of the difficult recovery happened in the first two years, we hardly even think about the stroke day to day. However,  I think we should. Not think about the  "stroke" per se- but think about the repair- the amazing recovery we have received. The blessings that have come. Why is it so easy to forget.  Like the 10 lepers who were healed when Jesus sent them to wash in a river, and only one came back.  The other nine I'm assuming were very grateful, but they were already starting to forget-- by what miraculous power their life long illness was removed. We must never forget to praise God for his great power, and remember his great mercy. I imagine if I were to write a book about happiness. Gratitude would be one of the first chapters in the book. Gratitude for the things we have, or the things that are not broken. I believe this more than anything will make the things that are broken in our lives a whole lot better :)

OK-- so now for the news you've all been waiting for. We're having a baby Boy!!!  We of course are due in September, but the knowledge of Ben having a brother has me walking on clouds. I hope they will be the best of friends!  Besides my ever increasing belly-- the big news in our lives right now is we are a week away from taking Step 3. Will studies day and night and has recently been timing his tests to keep up to speed with his resident counterparts.  He takes one test after another all day long. INTENSE!! Please find a spot in your prayers for Will this week as next friday and saturday are very big days for him!!!

From the beginning...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the beginning. When Will was first out of the hospital. When he would easily frustrate if too many conversations were going on in the room, or if we were coaching him to improve.  Or when our conversations were one or two words, and involved very little eye contact. He was always slouched on the couch and looking dreadfully tired. He was not confused, because he had so little to think about. But we were constantly perplexed with how best to help him and why he wasn't "helping" himself. Considering his state, the last thing on my mind was a relationship.  I only knew I would need someone to step in and offer a hand of friendship- if I were ever in his situation. I had no idea what the future held for us. What wonderful things were in store for the both of us. During those first two years, we drifted through intense sorrow, anger, and at times pity.  I can't tell you how many times we both wept. Our faces reddened from the hours of inconsolable pain. We couldn't accept what had happened to Will. We were trying to accept that he might never get better. Those times, are now such a distant memory. And while the consequences of Will's stroke still haunt our bank accounts, and have me fretting for the future of our children… they are so small in comparison- to those first two years.

I guess I am talking about this now because I have been following a couple blogs (Elder Schenk & Rob's Stroke Recovery) that have me wanting to reach out and just hold the members of the families of those involved. To let them know that things will get better, in fact they can be better than they were before the said incident. One blog hits close to home because it involves a father who had a stroke a few weeks before graduating with an advanced dental degree. Another hits a nerve because it is a missionary from Utah who was hit in Brazil and is clinging to life in a hospital there…. as the weeks pass he is slowly recovering an much of what he is currently going through resembles Will's first few weeks, after his stroke.

I don't want those reading this blog to believe that I am saying that because my husband "got better" that everyone will have a happy ending.  Our ending is far from over and we're still hoping for the happy part. What I mean to say is that the experience of going through something so traumatic-- has deepened our joys and lifted us from the life we had known. Not only do we weep when we read these blogs- out of a shared feeling, but we know that no matter how difficult the journey-- they will not be left comfortless if they rely on the hope of a better day.  There is more to this life than careers, wealth, and comfort.  This knowledge makes you better. It changes the way you treat others. It changes the way you use your time. And for this I will be eternally grateful.  I pray for those that suffer. I know that their sorrows are many and are not light, but I know with deepened joy they can know that there is a Father in Heaven who has not left them alone, and who will strengthen them every step of the way-- this is what makes it all worth it.

As for the rest of our lives… We find out the gender of the baby I carry a week from today. The offer on our condo fell through so we won't be moving yet!  Which is great because originally we were moving the week of Will's big test. And of course my husband is getting more involved in his studies because the  date of the exam is quickly approaching.  He wakes up at 5:30 am most mornings and studies morning till dawn.  I get his time on weekends :) Below are pictures from Ben's first two Easter egg hunts.  It's sooo much fun having a toddler!!  Ben is soooo cute!  Will was much more effective in guiding Ben to the eggs. Ben came away from "my" easter egg hunt with three eggs and the one where daddy was there too, with 12 easter eggs. I love my Boys!!

Endure:To withstand with courage

What a simple definition. I have to admit having had quite a bit different impression of the word. I pictured pioneers pulling handcarts across snow covered plains without shoes. I pictured my grandma seven years into a debilitating illness- wondering if she would ever be relieved of the pain and shaking. I never, however, pictured it the way it was defined by President Thomas S. Monson this weekend at a Young Women's General Conference. For the first time the word Endure- meant something more powerful to me instead of something more difficult and sad. The term is now becoming something I can put my heart into. My arms around. I can ask myself in the midst of a "great trial" or even a "small trial" - do I feel courageous right now? Am I acting with courage? Or am I merely just muttling through just waiting for the hard times to end.  I confess to the latter more often than I am comfortable with admitting.

My sister asked me last week to come up with something I could do better. As I listed the first thing that came to my mind, she quickly put down my idea - as it was a put down, sounding of defeat.  She said-- "That can't possibly be it-- your Heavenly Father would not encourage you with a feeling of failure. Those thoughts are coming from the adversary. Try again." The next time I thought of something I really wanted to change.  I thought of a goal I could accomplish. I had a glimpse of myself changing- becoming better. Feeling better.  I guess you could say, feeling courageous. I've determined after my brief 33.5 years here on this earth that life is riddled with trial and human weakness.  And not because it is our doom or destiny to live a life of sorrow. It is so we can prove our courage. That we can rise above. And that through the strength of the being who created us- we will rise above. My classic example is my dear husband. He has and continues to withstand with courage. I am inspired by his faith and courage. And when I look into our child's eyes I can only believe that our moving through this experience together is the greatest experience I could ask for, and it is not tarnished with sadness but joy.  The kind of joy that makes you believe.  That gives you more courage.

As for our lives, things are crazy around here. Ben is climbing up ladders and on tables, and in drawers. Will is gone 88.9 percent of his waking hours to the library. I am emerging triumphantly from my first trimester of pregnancy! I practically lived in my bed for two months-- it feels nice to be able to get out and go places now :) We're probably going to move in the next month, and the week after that Will is going to take Step 3 of the boards. Lots of great things in our future. So keep with us!

Summer

ps I can't help but leave you with a visual example of the title of this post. Check out this Link.